bipolär
Rambling about stuff
Hello everyone, it’s Mimi here.
As you might know, I’ve been watching Avatar: the last airbender (the series, not the movie) these past couple of days, and the day before yesterday I finished it. And ever since I’ve been.. Broken. I know Phemie made a post about how me and Aang are very alike in many ways, and I agree. He was my favorite character.
Anyway.. I got such a kick out of watching the show, I was so motivated to take charge of my life and change it for the better. I started working out every day, working on fulfilling childhood dreams, started talking to (the body’s) childhood friend and plan on meeting up. I even decided to tell her about us being multiple.. I was so energetic, motivated and most of all, I was happy.. And now the show is over and I’m just a shadow of myself. I’ve been more anxious than in a really long time, I have trouble sleeping, and my stomach has been aching for days. I’ve been crying miserably, over and over again.. I just feel so utterly alone and lost and sad. I truly feel like I lost a dear friend, and I know it’s silly, I know it is.. It was just a show, and a kids’ show at that… But I don’t know.. I guess it was the first time I was able to truly relate to something out here. The truth is that I’ve been struggling with finding things in “real life” to hold on to. It’s so incredibly hard being an alter, most people do not know that you exist or simply deny that you are real. This world is filled with so much suffering and darkness that most of the time I’d rather stay inside, i feel like there is just nothing for me here.
Not to mention that you have obligations to your system, it’s my job to protect the others, but what if I’m not strong enough? What if I break when they need me the most? I’m just a kid.. All I want is to be a normal teenager, hang out with my friends and be.. Normal. But I don’t have any friends out here, and it’s so painful to be so lonely. I don’t want to be alone anymore.
(In the inner world) I grew up in an orphanage after my parents died when I was 5. The orphanage was run by my aunt, and it was very small and familiar. Even before my parents died I spent most of my time at the orphanage, the kids there were my best friends, so living their was a lot of fun. My aunt had always been my favorite relative. She is strict but fair, and she has such a big heart. Me and the other kids would play everyday and generally be up to no good. Now I live with the other alters in a house, and while I do like them, they just don’t feel like family the way my aunt and the other orphans did. I’m just so different from the other system members..
Aang is stuck in an ice berg for 100 years and when he comes back, the world he knew is gone. The other air nomads are gone, his childhood friends are gone. He is 12 years old (technically 112), and it is his job to save the world, but he finds himself a new family and together they travel the world and save it. That’s always been my biggest dream: finding a family, exploring the world and making a difference together. But I really doubt it’s going to happen..
I just feel like, if Aang was real, we would have understood me. Maybe, he and the other characters, could have been my family. I know, I know, they are not real, it’s silly and lame, I’m such a dreamer and I need to get a grip on reality..
I’m just lost..
Update: I just had an appointment with my physical therapist and I told her about all of this. She told me that it’s “my” (the body’s/first alters’) childhood (or rather, lack of it) I’m grieving. I think she is right, and this realization is somehow very comforting..
To my fellow system members
[Trigger warning: strong language]
Where the fuck are you? I’m fucking serious. Things have just gotten gradually worse over the last few weeks and it’s just getting ridiculous. I’m tired, no actually, I’m exhausted. Totally fucking drained. Why? No idea. I suppose it’s our bipolar sticking out its ugly little head again, every day I just feel depression clouding my mind more and more. I want to sleep for a hundred years. I want silence and darkness, I want to be left alone.
Seriously guys, I need a break, like, right now. So where the fuck are ya’ll? It’s like you’ve just left me here. Switching doesn’t seem to work anymore. I don’t know what the hell is going on. RP is just absent, only fronting when absolutely needed. Mimi’s been all quiet and shit since the incident with Mr Arrogant Asshole, and I know it hurt you but seriously, fuck that fucking asshat. He’s a ignorant bitch, more shit comes out of mouth than his ass. I need you around ASAP. I know you are knew and we’re not sure what your role is and whatever, but please don’t let that intimidate you. I mean, we can’t expect the kids to front in school, Stranger is too unstable, God knows what stupid shit Sinner would get us into (I don’t trust them, can you tell?), Kathy does more good inside than out, which leaves us with you, me and RP. I’ll even let you wear the clothes you wanna wear, pinky promise.
Guys, we are supposed to help each other out, remember? Could someone just please step up, step in and cut me a fucking break?
kthxbye
/Phemie
Save yourself
“Save yourself – don’t expect to find a partner to ‘save’ you. We have to do the work to save ourselves. As we are often stuck in the past as children, a common hope is for someone to come along and scoop us up to save us since as children we didn’t have the ability to save ourselves. This sets us up for disappointment and failure because no one can save us but ourselves.”
– Got parts? Page 65
Struggling to find a balance
[Small trigger warning, mentioning suicide]
Recently, I’ve had quite a lot to do, most of it homework and mental health-related stuff. Over the last few years I’ve come to realize that I do need routines to remain stable. When I met my boyfriend, he had already figured out the hard way that maintaining routines will do so much for your mental health. So I just joined in on his daily schedule; ate when he ate, went to bed when he did and so on, and oh my did it help. Before, I was a chronic insomniac, but with the help of medication and going to bed at 10 PM did wonders for me. Admittedly, now I wake up at least 2-3 times every night, but at least it doesn’t take me 2+ hours to fall asleep.
Now, with all the added work, I struggle to find a balance between keeping busy and resting. I really do feel like all the extra work really keeps me going, I feel less depressed now that I have some sort of deadline every week. I guess I just don’t have time to just sit around and think about bad things. On the other hand, I also feel so, so tired, you know? And I don’t know when to push myself and when to give in and rest. How do you know? Furthermore, I also tend to feel guilty for resting when I know that I have stuff to do. You just can’t win, can you?
However, I am truly happy that, at least for now, my life is not dominated by mental health issues. Sure, I still have nightmares and wake up several times every night. Working together with my alters is still really hard, and fighting off bipolar episodes is a daily struggle. I still have a hard time just getting out of bed in the morning. But for once, that’s not all my life is. For once, I come home and still have the energy to get stuff done, and I actually do get stuff done. For once, I worry about in what order I should do my homework as opposed to worrying that something will trigger me and make me want to kill myself. It’s a rare thing for me. Very refreshing. Haven’t really thought of it like that before, I feel like I’m kicking some serious ass. Suddenly, my dilemma doesn’t seem all that troublesome anymore. Perhaps I should celebrate.
Well this didn’t turn out the way I thought it would. Oh well.
“I love you”
[Trigger warning: mention of childhood abuse]
If you’ve been a victim of childhood abuse, chances are that you’ve not been told that you are loved, or, that you haven’t felt loved enough. If you suffer from mental illness, or just poor self-esteem in general, chances are that you feel like no one will ever love you. Being told that you are loved by someone you care about is very powerful. It can truly change everything, especially if those three words are what you have longed to hear all this time.
I’ve been together with my boyfriend for nearly two and a half years now and I can honestly say that he has done more for my recovery and well-being than any medication or therapist ever could have. He has showed me that I’m worth fighting for, that I deserve respect and attention. He has poured his love over me, he has chosen me over everyone else in this world. It means more than I can explain. I had never even dared to dream of being told that someone loves me, let alone feel loved, but here we are.
Now, there is also something else that has dawned on me, something that might be a bit unexpected. I have come to realize that telling others that I love them is just as healing as being told that I’m loved. In the beginning of our relationship, I had this huge need to tell my boyfriend that I loved him several times a day. It wasn’t a case of me just thoughtlessly adding a “love you” to goodbyes or anything, I truly meant it from the bottom of my heart every time. Throughout my childhood, I felt unloved. At times, I was absolutely convinced that I indeed was not loved by anyone, and I think that my need to constantly reassure my boyfriend of my love derived from me feeling like no one gave a crap about me. I did to my boyfriend what I had needed and wished someone would have done for me; remind him every single day that he was loved. Because that’s what it was, a need to remind him that I love him, that he matters to me. I was absolutely terrified that he would forget, simply because I know what it’s like when you do. Being given the opportunity to save someone I hold dear from the fate that I had faced and endured was relieving. Furthermore, telling him that I loved him, being allowed to speak up about my feelings, showing him, and myself, that I’m here, that I have feelings and that they matter, was huge. Not only that, but also seeing for myself that my feelings made a difference for someone, that they actually have the power to make someone happy, was unbelievable. It was a whole new world. Who would have thought? All my life I had hidden my feelings, my problems, my alters, myself, because I had learned that, not only did no one care, but putting yourself out there, existing, could and would be used against you. Claiming space can and will get you hurt.
Saying “l love you” is making a statement. It’s revealing a piece of yourself. It is validating your feelings. It is allowing yourself to take up, or perhaps reclaim, space that is rightfully yours, and that may or may not have been taken from you. Love is a wonderful thing, and being told that you are loved is priceless. But your love can bring joy too. It can heal others, and ultimately yourself. So remember, your love is precious too.
Discharged and home
We discharged ourselves a few days ago because the stay at the hospital were making some alters extremely upset and triggered. Not that we are feeling better, but staying there made everything worse. I came to point where I could not keep the angry alters in anymore and they would be very hostile towards the doctors there. I have no idea if they noticed that it wasn’t actually me talking, and honestly, I just want to put all of this behind me and focus on getting better. Not sure how it’ll go, but we will do our best.
Also, we have decided to drop the act of being one a bit and let everyone be themselves when possible. It’s way too exhausting always pretending to be one, and always acting as if we are fine. We are planning on talking to our friends and perhaps the body’s sister about it and see if we can try and be ourselves around them, that would be great.
We are still not well, but we will do our best to get this blog going again!
Aaand, we want to thank everyone for the support we have received, it means so much! Thank you guys!
New update: new alter?
I’m still in hospital, but at least I have my computer now!
[Trigger warning: suicide]
Things were really tough on Friday. I had an appointment with the doctor at my unit, she didn’t understand what we were trying to say and Phemie exploded. She came out and demanded that we get discharged right now, the doctor answered that we’ll talk about it after lunch. So Phemie went back to our room, where someone else fronted and searched our room for something to commit suicide with. I don’t know who this alter is, but he/she has been fronting more and more and causing more and more trouble. It’s like a self-destruction button, one minute I’m fine, the next thing I know someone pushes that button and this alter comes out and tries to rage quit life. I suspect that it might be an alter that has split off of Phemie, since they seem to be connected in some way. It usually start off with Phemie’s pissed-offness and then turns into something wildly destructive. Phemie is a protector, it wouldn’t make sense for her to act this way. Perhaps all the stress and the memories that might be surfacing has caused her to split. maybe she is just so pissed at me for not letting her do her job that she has turned her anger towards us instead of the ones that actually upset her in the first place. I don’t know, I just don’t know..
Anyway, this alter didn’t find anything in our room, so Phemie took over once more and talked to one of the nurses about how she has had enough of their shit, and that she is tired of the mental health care who always make us feel worse. She said that she ain’t staying here one more minute. The nurse went to talk to the doctor again, and my boyfriend showed up. Nemo came out and cried for 40 in his arms, then we went to speak to the doc again. We made this deal that we could go home and stay over night, and tomorrow we would come back an get discharged if everything went well. Well, obviously, we are not ready to get discharged so that’s what I told the doc yesterday and so we are still stuck here. Oh, and the clown is back too, yay.
I hope this made any sense, I’m still sluggish after my medication so it’s hard to concentrate.. Anyway, I hope you are doing well!
Update
I just got admitted to hospital because of a depressive episode, I don’t know for how long though. I’ll try to keep you guys posted.
/ Jessica & co.
Some thoughts on quitting self harm
[Trigger warning: self harm]
I’ve never actively self harmed for any longer periods of time, usually I’ll hurt myself once or twice and than stop for weeks, months or even years before doing it again. In other words, it’s never been one of my main problems and naturally, my thoughts and opinions on the topic are based on my experiences only.
Since I’ve self harmed recently, it’s been on my mind. Everyone self harms for a reason, whether it’s a way to cope with anxiety, express your feelings, punish yourself or something else, it does serve some kind of purpose. Quitting self harm is not only about quitting the physical act of hurting yourself, it is also about finding something else to take its place. You can’t quit a coping mechanism, you have to replace it. For me, the hardest part is finding a replacement that is as efficient as self harming at the roles self injuring plays for me. I think that’s why I keep coming back to it, I haven’t found anything that doesn’t hurt me, that can give me the effects and results I need.
What are your thoughts on this? Do you agree or disagree?
Me, we, them 