[Small trigger warning, mentioning suicide]
Recently, I’ve had quite a lot to do, most of it homework and mental health-related stuff. Over the last few years I’ve come to realize that I do need routines to remain stable. When I met my boyfriend, he had already figured out the hard way that maintaining routines will do so much for your mental health. So I just joined in on his daily schedule; ate when he ate, went to bed when he did and so on, and oh my did it help. Before, I was a chronic insomniac, but with the help of medication and going to bed at 10 PM did wonders for me. Admittedly, now I wake up at least 2-3 times every night, but at least it doesn’t take me 2+ hours to fall asleep.
Now, with all the added work, I struggle to find a balance between keeping busy and resting. I really do feel like all the extra work really keeps me going, I feel less depressed now that I have some sort of deadline every week. I guess I just don’t have time to just sit around and think about bad things. On the other hand, I also feel so, so tired, you know? And I don’t know when to push myself and when to give in and rest. How do you know? Furthermore, I also tend to feel guilty for resting when I know that I have stuff to do. You just can’t win, can you?
However, I am truly happy that, at least for now, my life is not dominated by mental health issues. Sure, I still have nightmares and wake up several times every night. Working together with my alters is still really hard, and fighting off bipolar episodes is a daily struggle. I still have a hard time just getting out of bed in the morning. But for once, that’s not all my life is. For once, I come home and still have the energy to get stuff done, and I actually do get stuff done. For once, I worry about in what order I should do my homework as opposed to worrying that something will trigger me and make me want to kill myself. It’s a rare thing for me. Very refreshing. Haven’t really thought of it like that before, I feel like I’m kicking some serious ass. Suddenly, my dilemma doesn’t seem all that troublesome anymore. Perhaps I should celebrate.
Well this didn’t turn out the way I thought it would. Oh well.