depression

Rambling about stuff

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Hello everyone, it’s Mimi here.

As you might know, I’ve been watching Avatar: the last airbender (the series, not the movie) these past couple of days, and the day before yesterday I finished it. And ever since I’ve been.. Broken. I know Phemie made a post about how me and Aang are very alike in many ways,  and I agree. He was my favorite character.

Anyway.. I got such a kick out of watching the show, I was so motivated to take charge of my life and change it for the better. I started working out every day, working on fulfilling childhood dreams, started talking to (the body’s) childhood friend and plan on meeting up. I even decided to tell her about us being multiple.. I was so energetic, motivated and most of all, I was happy.. And now the show is over and I’m just a shadow of myself. I’ve been more anxious than in a really long time, I have trouble sleeping, and my stomach has been aching for days. I’ve been crying miserably, over and over again.. I just feel so utterly alone and lost and sad. I truly feel like I lost a dear friend, and I know it’s silly, I know it is.. It was just a show, and a kids’ show at that… But I don’t know.. I guess it was the first time I was able to truly relate to something out here. The truth is that I’ve been struggling with finding things in “real life” to hold on to. It’s so incredibly hard being an alter, most people do not know that you exist or simply deny that you are real. This world is filled with so much suffering and darkness that most of the time I’d rather stay inside, i feel like there is just nothing for me here.

Not to mention that you have obligations to your system, it’s my job to protect the others, but what if I’m not strong enough? What if I break when they need me the most? I’m just a kid.. All I want is to be a normal teenager, hang out with my friends and be.. Normal. But I don’t have any friends out here, and it’s so painful to be so lonely. I don’t want to be alone anymore.

(In the inner world) I grew up in an orphanage after my parents died when I was 5. The orphanage was run by my aunt, and it was very small and familiar. Even before my parents died I spent most of my time at the orphanage, the kids there were my best friends, so living their was a lot of fun. My aunt had always been my favorite relative. She is strict but fair, and she has such a big heart. Me and the other kids would play everyday and generally be up to no good. Now I live with the other alters in a house, and while I do like them, they just don’t feel like family the way my aunt and the other orphans did. I’m just so different from the other system members..

Aang is stuck in an ice berg for 100 years and when he comes back, the world he knew is gone. The other air nomads are gone, his childhood friends are gone. He is 12 years old (technically 112), and it is his job to save the world, but he finds himself a new family and together they travel the world and save it. That’s always been my biggest dream: finding a family, exploring the world and making a difference together. But I really doubt it’s going to happen..
I just feel like, if Aang was real, we would have understood me. Maybe, he and the other characters, could have been my family. I know, I know, they are not real, it’s silly and lame, I’m such a dreamer and I need to get a grip on reality..
I’m just lost..

Update: I just had an appointment with my physical therapist and I told her about all of this. She told me that it’s “my” (the body’s/first alters’) childhood (or rather, lack of it) I’m grieving. I think she is right, and this realization is somehow very comforting..

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“Is it over yet? Can I open my eyes? Is this as hard as it gets?” – Cry by Kelly Clarkson

To my fellow system members

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[Trigger warning: strong language]

Where the fuck are you? I’m fucking serious. Things have just gotten gradually worse over the last few weeks and it’s just getting ridiculous. I’m tired, no actually, I’m exhausted. Totally fucking drained. Why? No idea. I suppose it’s our bipolar sticking out its ugly little head again, every day I just feel depression clouding my mind more and more. I want to sleep for a hundred years. I want silence and darkness, I want to be left alone. 

Seriously guys, I need a break, like, right now. So where the fuck are ya’ll? It’s like you’ve just left me here. Switching doesn’t seem to work anymore. I don’t know what the hell is going on. RP is just absent, only fronting when absolutely needed. Mimi’s been all quiet and shit since the incident with Mr Arrogant Asshole, and I know it hurt you but seriously, fuck that fucking asshat. He’s a ignorant bitch, more shit comes out of mouth than his ass. I need you around ASAP. I know you are knew and we’re not sure what your role is and whatever, but please don’t let that intimidate you. I mean, we can’t expect the kids to front in school, Stranger is too unstable, God knows what stupid shit Sinner would get us into (I don’t trust them, can you tell?), Kathy does more good inside than out, which leaves us with you, me and RP. I’ll even let you wear the clothes you wanna wear, pinky promise. 

Guys, we are supposed to help each other out, remember? Could someone just please step up, step in and cut me a fucking break?

kthxbye 

/Phemie

It’s not the sadness I worry about

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It’s my unwillingness to do anything about it

Save yourself

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“Save yourself – don’t expect to find a partner to ‘save’ you. We have to do the work to save ourselves. As we are often stuck in the past as children, a common hope is for someone to come along and scoop us up to save us since as children we didn’t have the ability to save ourselves. This sets us up for disappointment and failure because no one can save us but ourselves.”
Got parts? Page 65

Struggling to find a balance

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[Small trigger warning, mentioning suicide]

Recently, I’ve had quite a lot to do, most of it homework and mental health-related stuff. Over the last few years I’ve come to realize that I do need routines to remain stable. When I met my boyfriend, he had already figured out the hard way that maintaining routines will do so much for your mental health. So I just joined in on his daily schedule; ate when he ate, went to bed when he did and so on, and oh my did it help. Before, I was a chronic insomniac, but with the help of medication and going to bed at 10 PM did wonders for me. Admittedly, now I wake up at least 2-3 times every night, but at least it doesn’t take me 2+ hours to fall asleep. 

Now, with all the added work, I struggle to find a balance between keeping busy and resting. I really do feel like all the extra work really keeps me going, I feel less depressed now that I have some sort of deadline every week. I guess I just don’t have time to just sit around and think about bad things. On the other hand, I also feel so, so tired, you know? And I don’t know when to push myself and when to give in and rest. How do you know? Furthermore, I also tend to feel guilty for resting when I know that I have stuff to do. You just can’t win, can you?

However, I am truly happy that, at least for now, my life is not dominated by mental health issues. Sure, I still have nightmares and wake up several times every night. Working together with my alters is still really hard, and fighting off bipolar episodes is a daily struggle. I still have a hard time just getting out of bed in the morning. But for once, that’s not all my life is. For once, I come home and still have the energy to get stuff done, and I actually do get stuff done. For once, I worry about in what order I should do my homework as opposed to worrying that something will trigger me and make me want to kill myself. It’s a rare thing for me. Very refreshing. Haven’t really thought of it like that before, I feel like I’m kicking some serious ass. Suddenly, my dilemma doesn’t seem all that troublesome anymore. Perhaps I should celebrate. 

Well this didn’t turn out the way I thought it would.  Oh well. 

Recent struggles

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[Trigger warning: talk about eating disorders and self-harm, general ranting]

This year has been shitty, and of course it has affected my mental health and DDNOS. On top of me getting  diagnosed with DDNOS and being hospitalized three times, I’ve also experienced something very traumatizing this year. I’m not gonna go into what happened, it’s personal and I don’t want to trigger others. However, I do believe that it exaggerated the barriers between me and the other alters and that it intensified their and my struggles. We always struggled with the aftermath of our traumas, but I believe that this incident has caused us/Nemo to develop PTSD (I might get an evaluation for it in the beginning of next year). Needless to say, these past couple of months have been hard on me.

We are a very transparent system, in terms of co-consciousness. While all alters have defined and distinct personalities, it seems that we keep merging in everyday life. Everyone is so close to the surface that they just keep butting in all the time, causing us to switch rapidly throughout the day. And that’s a huge problem because it makes me feel like I am, or perhaps we as a system are, all over the place. Here’s an example: I’ve talked about this before, but I/we just keep going from binging, to being obsessed with healthy food and exercise, to wanting to restrict, to binging and so on. Same thing goes for our attitude towards getting attention: One minute I/we suffer from social anxiety and just can’t do shit by ourselves, then we suddenly get extremely jealous and get this nasty need for outdoing everyone else. We need to be better at math, be a better artist (which is absolutely ridiculous, we suck at it and barely draw/paint anyway, so why would it matter?), have better grades. And the sickest part is that it sometimes manifests itself in a need to be worse off than others, like, we might feel a need to have more and bigger self-harm scars, be more depressed, lose more weight and so on, than someone else. As if it’s a competition. As if it’s desirable. We crave the attention. But then, the next thing I know, we couldn’t care less, we are totally fine on our own with no attention whatsoever. And it changes just like that, from one second to another. I understand that these feelings and urges must be connected to different alters, that’s why it keeps changing. It’s just driving me insane because these emotions and obsessions obviously are a huge burden, but what really makes it unbearable is the fact that they change so fast that barely anyone on the outside notices. I/we rarely act on these emotions, they usually don’t effect our life practically (except that we have to go see mental health care professionals year after year after year because of them) simply because they get turned on and off so quickly. Does that mean that it’s not so bad? Hell no. Does that mean that others don’t realize how fucking hard it is? Unfortunately, yes. Naturally, this makes me feel like nobody understands, and, you guessed it, makes us relive our traumas. It might sound strange to other multiples, but I really wish that we could be less co-conscious. Nobody can help us if we just keep switching from one problem to another in a matter of days, hours, minutes or even seconds. I just want to be more stable, more consistent, you know?

We ordered Amongst ourselves (a self-help book for people with multiple personalities), hopefully it’ll help us be a more stable system.

/Phemie