Hello everyone, it’s Mimi here.
As you might know, I’ve been watching Avatar: the last airbender (the series, not the movie) these past couple of days, and the day before yesterday I finished it. And ever since I’ve been.. Broken. I know Phemie made a post about how me and Aang are very alike in many ways, and I agree. He was my favorite character.
Anyway.. I got such a kick out of watching the show, I was so motivated to take charge of my life and change it for the better. I started working out every day, working on fulfilling childhood dreams, started talking to (the body’s) childhood friend and plan on meeting up. I even decided to tell her about us being multiple.. I was so energetic, motivated and most of all, I was happy.. And now the show is over and I’m just a shadow of myself. I’ve been more anxious than in a really long time, I have trouble sleeping, and my stomach has been aching for days. I’ve been crying miserably, over and over again.. I just feel so utterly alone and lost and sad. I truly feel like I lost a dear friend, and I know it’s silly, I know it is.. It was just a show, and a kids’ show at that… But I don’t know.. I guess it was the first time I was able to truly relate to something out here. The truth is that I’ve been struggling with finding things in “real life” to hold on to. It’s so incredibly hard being an alter, most people do not know that you exist or simply deny that you are real. This world is filled with so much suffering and darkness that most of the time I’d rather stay inside, i feel like there is just nothing for me here.
Not to mention that you have obligations to your system, it’s my job to protect the others, but what if I’m not strong enough? What if I break when they need me the most? I’m just a kid.. All I want is to be a normal teenager, hang out with my friends and be.. Normal. But I don’t have any friends out here, and it’s so painful to be so lonely. I don’t want to be alone anymore.
(In the inner world) I grew up in an orphanage after my parents died when I was 5. The orphanage was run by my aunt, and it was very small and familiar. Even before my parents died I spent most of my time at the orphanage, the kids there were my best friends, so living their was a lot of fun. My aunt had always been my favorite relative. She is strict but fair, and she has such a big heart. Me and the other kids would play everyday and generally be up to no good. Now I live with the other alters in a house, and while I do like them, they just don’t feel like family the way my aunt and the other orphans did. I’m just so different from the other system members..
Aang is stuck in an ice berg for 100 years and when he comes back, the world he knew is gone. The other air nomads are gone, his childhood friends are gone. He is 12 years old (technically 112), and it is his job to save the world, but he finds himself a new family and together they travel the world and save it. That’s always been my biggest dream: finding a family, exploring the world and making a difference together. But I really doubt it’s going to happen..
I just feel like, if Aang was real, we would have understood me. Maybe, he and the other characters, could have been my family. I know, I know, they are not real, it’s silly and lame, I’m such a dreamer and I need to get a grip on reality..
I’m just lost..
Update: I just had an appointment with my physical therapist and I told her about all of this. She told me that it’s “my” (the body’s/first alters’) childhood (or rather, lack of it) I’m grieving. I think she is right, and this realization is somehow very comforting..