abuse

Small update

Posted on Updated on

[Trigger warning: talk about abuse, nothing specific is mentioned]

Hello everyone, hope you are doing alright.

We have not been very active here, so I thought I’d give a little update. What the fuck have we been up to? Well, lately, we have been hanging out with the sis and mum, dealing with stuff for our trip.. And we’ve been doing a lot of reading. More specifically, we’ve been reading two books called “The myth of sanity” and “The dissociative identity disorder sourcebook”. Maybe one of us will make some kind of review on them later. Anyway, it really got us thinking. I can’t say it was triggering, but it did get us thinking about our life, our system and most of all, about one of our abusers. And that started a little crisis. It’s better now, but it was difficult.

I guess it’s no wonder, when you learn more about dissociation, and hear other people’s stories and you start examining your life and come to the conclusion that you have in fact been dissociating way more than you previously realized. It kinda hits you like a rock, and you just start questioning everything, which is what made us think about one of our primary abusers. I am 100% certain that this person was abusive, but when anyone of us tries to think of concrete examples we just come up empty handed. To be honest, I’m not to worried about that since I am sure that this person did bad things, but I can feel others inside getting all worked up about it.

Our lack of examples does not surprise me personally because 1. We barely remember anything from our childhood (except for Nemo and Benji, but they keep that a secret) and 2. this person’s abuse was mainly emotional, and I feel like emotional abuse can be very difficult to pinpoint because it’s often so subtle. Also, it can be hard for child to spot because it can be more abstract. You just suddenly feel bad, or try to avoid someone and you don’t know why. Not to mention that emotional abuse, in some cases, is on-going, it’s always there in one form or another until you are so used to it thar you don’t question it anymore.

That’s about all I have to say about that right now. Thanks for reading.

/Phemie

Advertisements

Quote Posted on

“Is it over yet? Can I open my eyes? Is this as hard as it gets?” – Cry by Kelly Clarkson

Long-ass rant

Posted on

Trigger warning for pretty much anything.

I have had enough. I mean, really, I have had enough. See I’m a protector, I “protect” a.k.a get pissed the fuck off. But what good does that do when I’m never allowed to express my anger? Just cause this bullshit brain of ours didn’t give us the ability to black-out. Now, don’t get me wrong, I do not wish that our dissociation/symptoms were worse than they are, but here’s the thing: I get angry, like, really angry. If I let it out (yell, curse, throw stuff or whatever) I trigger the other alters, and they will want to self-harm or commit suicide. If I keep it in, bottle it all up, I end up splitting and we are left with an alter who wants to kill us off. Do you see why I’d really need to be able to block the others out, so that I can be pissed without hurting them? This is all juts fucking bullshit.

And don’t even get me started on the goddamn school. Everyone keeps saying graduation is just around the corner, but then why the fuck do you keep scheduling in more and more fucking exams, like are you kidding me? We are already struggling badly, being so fucking exhausted all the goddamn time, and now you want to have us study for two more fucking tests? As if we don’t have enough shit to do already? And believe me, I’d refuse to do it but of course it’s not up to me. The others want us to be a good little girl. What a shitload of fuck.

And my dear mental health care professionals who do nothing but makes us worse. Yeah, today we were at our art therapy session, but we just could not bring ourselves to paint anything, in fact, we couldn’t even get up from the chair because we are all 13564523665% DONE. Nemo cried a bit, and before we left the therapist reminded us that we could call a doctor for an emergency appointment or go straight to the ER if we got any worse. HAHAHAHAHAAA what a fucking joke. Our last hospitalization taught me one thing only: it’s better to die than go to the hospital. There, I said it. I’d rather kill myself than go back to those ignorant, incompetent assholes. All they ever do is prescribe pills that only make us worse, refuse to assess/diagnose us and have us tell them our complete fucking life story over and over and over and over. They won’t listen, they won’t care. In fact, they are just as bad as our fucking abusers. 
Not to mention the outpatient doctors, who do exactly the same thing. Douchebagery is probably taught in med school. And I really don’t understand just how they always end up triggering us, every. fucking. time. HOW DO THEY DO IT? Did they read through our journal and try to figure out the best way to crush us and then go for it? It sure as hell seems that way. Oh man do I hate fucking doctors.

And boy am I fucking tired of waiting for our fucking repressed memories to emerge. I literally do not give to flying fucks what happened anymore, I really don’t care how bad it was, I am sick and fucking tired of them fucking lurking in the shadows, and fucking up our lives. Why can’t we just remember so we can actually start DEALING with it, instead of just sitting here waiting like stupid fucking assholes. I hate being left in the dark, I hate the fucking uncertainty. I know, I know, “it’ll come back when you are ready”. I can assure you, I am fucking ready. Hit me with your best shot. I dare, you prick (talking about my brain here).

And to our delightfully oblivious and equally obnoxious abusers, who have no clue what they’ve done. Who have no clue that they shattered us into little pieces. If you hurt us again, I will end you. Until then, I will make sure to keep an emotional distance from you at all times. You might think we’ve don’t remember, or that we’ve forgiven. I will never forget, and I will never forgive. You might think that we’re fine now, and that we care about you and love you. We never have. Never. 

/ Phemie

How Phemie sees it #2 Time heals all wounds

Posted on

Except it doesn’t, now, does it?

For the longest time I kept asking myself, now that x years have past since y, why am I still not getting any better? Why are we as a system still suffering everyday? Why are we still afraid, still feeling unsafe, still anxious, still struggling? Then it dawned on me. Time does not heal wounds. Sure, it provides the means for you to improve, but it does not do the work for you. It does not magically make all your problems disappear. Why aren’t we getting better? Because we spent all those years doing the wrong things. We were not working through the shit that has happened, and to be fair, how could we? You can’t get over trauma if you are still very unstable. We didn’t have anyone to help us along the way, nor did we have the time or energy given the fact that we had to spend it all on just making it through the day.

I was naive, thinking that it’s about how much time has passed, when really, it’s about if you are in a position to work on the “right” things (for instance, if your current situation is stable enough, if you have someone to work with you) and if you really are working on it. One month of hard work is going to do more for us than ten years doing nothing, I’m sure.

Not only did we not work on our issues, we didn’t really live either. We did not go out and make memories, perfect skills or learn something new. We did nothing.

Maybe I’m just being bitter, been feeling so off these past weeks.

 

The way it was part 3: Switching

Posted on

[Trigger warning: abuse]

I just remembered something forgot to mention in my previous posts! Another reason why nobody noticed our multiplicity is the fact that we as a system “specialize” in rapid, frequent and “smooth” switching. The primary abuse we experienced was continuous, if we weren’t being actively abuse we were just waiting for it to happen. Everything could change drastically anytime, any place, so we were required to switch frequently to match current circumstances. But of course no one was to know that we switched, which is why I believe that we have such a high level of co-consciousness. Life was unpredictable, every alter needed to be on stand-by, watching, ready to switch and handle whatever may come our way. Or, in other words, there was no way of knowing what might happen next, so every alter needed to be informed and ready just in case they happen to be the one needed at the front.

We still switch very frequently, to a point where we actually struggle to keep one alter at the front for more than a few minutes. As previously mentioned, our switches are far from dramatic, and most alters have the same accent and tone of voice, so know one will notice a switch.

Songs for my abusers

Posted on

[Trigger warning: while these songs aren’t triggering in and of themselves, they might be when put in this context]

I’m feeling very down tonight, and I can’t seem to put it into words, so I thought I’d let music do the talking. Here are some song that describe the things I wish I could tell my abusers.

Paramore – In the mourning

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=We0iKbzSGAw

Lyrics:

You escaped like a runaway train
Off the tracks and down again
And my heart’s beating like a steam boat tugging all your burdens
On my shoulders

In the mourning I’ll rise
In the mourning I’ll let you die
In the mourning all my worries.

Now there’s nothing but time that’s wasted
And words that have no backbone
And now it seems like the whole world’s waiting
Can you hear the echoes fading?

In the mourning I’ll rise
In the mourning I’ll let you die
In the mourning all my sorries.

And it takes all my strength not to dig you up
From the ground in which you lay
The biggest part of me
You were the greatest thing
And now you’re just a memory
To let go of.

In the mourning I’ll rise
In the mourning I’ll let you die
In the mourning all my sorries.
[x2]

Glee cast – One

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S4EE1SoTMyg

Is it getting better
Or do you feel the same
Will it make it easier on you now
You got someone to blame
You say…

One love
One life
When it’s one need
In the night
One love
We get to share it
Leaves you baby if you
Don’t care for it

Did I disappoint you
Or leave a bad taste in your mouth
You act like you never had love
And you want me to go without
Well it’s…

Too late
Tonight
To drag the past out into the light
We’re one, but we’re not the same
We get to
Carry each other
Carry each other
One…

Have you come here for forgiveness
Have you come to raise the dead
Have you come here to play Jesus
To the lepers in your head

Did I ask too much
More than a lot
You gave me nothing
Now it’s all I got
We’re one
But we’re not the same
Well we
Hurt each other
Then we do it again
You say
Love is a temple
Love a higher law
Love is a temple
Love the higher law
You ask me to enter
But then you make me crawl
And I can’t be holding on
To what you got
When all you got is hurt

One love
One blood
One life
You got to do what you should
One life
With each other
Sisters
Brothers
One life
But we’re not the same
We get to
Carry each other
Carry each other

One…life

One

 

What happened at the doctors

Posted on

[Trigger warning: suicide, self harm, eating disorder, not being taken seriously by mental health care professional, strong language, anger]

A few days ago we had a doctors appointment. We had been told more than a month ago that it was going to be the re-evaluation for DID that we had requested, but the day before the appointment we were told by someone else that it would probably going to be an assessment for eating disorders, so right from the start we were a bit annoyed by the fact that the people responsible for our treatments have no clue what’s going on. But you know, we tried real hard to stay positive, we had asked for both of these evaluations, so you know, whatever. 

However, the appointment turned out to be nothing, just nothing. Except for a waste of our time and a go at reliving trauma. He asked how rational part was doing, asked about our medication. RP (rational part) asked if this was going to be about the DID or eating disorders, it was neither. The doctor wanted to know more about our anxiety, so RP gave a brief answer before moving on to talking about our struggles with eating/exercising/body image. No response. After pushing the doc for answers, he just gave the same bullshit response about how he can’t make evaluations, one has to look at the big picture when treating us, getting a diagnosis wont help because they can’t treat everything at once anyway, bla bla bla bla. 

We started receiving treatment for our mental health problems when the body was 11/12 years old, so we’ve met a lot of mental health care professionals in our days and boy have they messed us up. Most of the ones we’ve seen have thought that they know best and they already knew all the answers so what would be the point in listening to what we were actually saying be? Their general attitude has made us relieve our abuse, they have reinforced our trauma and I dare say that we have indeed been mentally/emotionally abused by mental health care professionals, therefore we are extremely sensitive to their bullshit. So sitting there in that assholes office, listening to that same bullshit I’ve heard a million times, it just… There is only so much a person can take, and that doctor just was the straw that broke the camel’s back.

Nemo came out, as he usually does when we are faced with not being believed/listened to, and he doesn’t speak so we were just sitting there silently, staring blankly at nothing. The doctor asked “Are the others talking to you right now?” and all I could think was “No, it’s just that your ignorance leaves me speechless”. 

Results of the appointment:

Got prescribed anti-anxiety medication (that we didn’t ask for. I honestly don’t think we need them)

Got a referral to get some blood tests done (again, didn’t ask for that, not sure we need it)

Nemo wanted to die, Stranger debated whether he wants to live or not

Jiyu, Benji, Kathryn and Wynn kind of temporarily disappeared, Wynn re-appeared later that day. RP basically just sat down in a corner, (on the inside) rocking back and forth while mumbling “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry” over and over, being absolutely useless (although I don’t blame them). 

The doctor said that we don’t have a primary eating disorder because we haven’t lost weight, so Sinner took that as a challenge and wanted the body to loose weight and he also wanted to hurt the body real bad just to get back at the doctor

Mental breakdown, with crying for hours at two separate occasions that day

Wynn said that there must have been some mistake when she was born, because she thought that she was never supposed to be born later that day

Me being pissed off beyond belief and having to deal with the aftermath. 

Had to stay home the next day because of all the chaos inside

Thanks doc. All these years RP has handled appointments with health care professionals of any kind, they’ve been polite and patient, it’s gotten us nowhere. If I had my way we’d never talk to a psychologist or doctor ever again, but RP really needs to have the certainty of a diagnosis to be able to commit to recovery fully. Therefore, we’ve decided that I will be taking care of business, I’ll demand to get our evaluations, and if I have to be a bitch then so fucking be it. For years now we’ve felt like we need to self harm for mental health care professionals to take us seriously, we have honestly felt like they’ve been challenging us to do it, but we’ve resisted. Now we’ve agreed that if we need to hurt the body in order for doctors/psychologists/whatever to believe us, we will. I really hope that it wont be necessary (and I do not encourage anyone to self harm, it is not a cure for anything) but it seems to be the only language they understand.

Other than that, we are going to take a break from everything apart from art therapy and meds, and work on recovering by ourselves. I’m so fucking done with their bullshit, honestly.

We are better now, still shaken up, but better. I feel like this whole thing might has brought us closer as a system. Hopefully we’ll be back on track soon

/Phemie