alter

Today’s outfit and make up

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That’s what we look like when I get to choose what to wear and how to do the make up, hope you enjoy! 🙂 sorry about the bad quality though..
/ Mimi

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Look who’s back, bitches!

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We’ve been away on vacation, but we are finally back (with some new make up, awwh yeah). Selfies are usually not my thing, but with this new make up and tablet (which actually has camera at the front, awwh yeah nr 2) I just couldn’t resist. Here ya go.

/ Phemie

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To my fellow system members

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[Trigger warning: strong language]

Where the fuck are you? I’m fucking serious. Things have just gotten gradually worse over the last few weeks and it’s just getting ridiculous. I’m tired, no actually, I’m exhausted. Totally fucking drained. Why? No idea. I suppose it’s our bipolar sticking out its ugly little head again, every day I just feel depression clouding my mind more and more. I want to sleep for a hundred years. I want silence and darkness, I want to be left alone. 

Seriously guys, I need a break, like, right now. So where the fuck are ya’ll? It’s like you’ve just left me here. Switching doesn’t seem to work anymore. I don’t know what the hell is going on. RP is just absent, only fronting when absolutely needed. Mimi’s been all quiet and shit since the incident with Mr Arrogant Asshole, and I know it hurt you but seriously, fuck that fucking asshat. He’s a ignorant bitch, more shit comes out of mouth than his ass. I need you around ASAP. I know you are knew and we’re not sure what your role is and whatever, but please don’t let that intimidate you. I mean, we can’t expect the kids to front in school, Stranger is too unstable, God knows what stupid shit Sinner would get us into (I don’t trust them, can you tell?), Kathy does more good inside than out, which leaves us with you, me and RP. I’ll even let you wear the clothes you wanna wear, pinky promise. 

Guys, we are supposed to help each other out, remember? Could someone just please step up, step in and cut me a fucking break?

kthxbye 

/Phemie

Newest addition to our system – Mimi

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About two weeks ago a new alter uhm… I guess you could say revealed herself. I don’t remember who was out, but basically we were in bed, just about to fall asleep when suddenly a picture of her popped up in our head out of nowhere. We basically just jolted awake and of course all kinds of questions started bouncing around in our head. The first one was of course dafuq? Then: Who are you? What’s your name? How old are you? Turns out her name is Mimi, and she was 10 years old at the time. Now, I say at the time just cause she integrated with Jiyu within a few days of her “arrival”. So now she is 14-16, and she has kind of absorbed Jiyu’s buddhist views. She said herself that before the integration occurred, she was mischievous and sneaky, and while she has kept her edge she is now more compassionate and caring. 

Over the last weeks we’ve learned more about her, especially in art therapy. Here is a quick intro to Mimi:

Her name is Mimi Gwen, nicknames are Mims (pronounced meems), Gwennie and Molly. As I mentioned earlier, she is around 14-16 years old, she has black, tousled hair and purple eyes. Purple is her favorite color btw. She is quite outgoing, always does her best to see the good in people and give them the benefit of the doubt. However, she is not easily fooled and is capable of fending for herself. Furthermore, she is very playful and even a bit flirty, and slightly mischievous too 😛 She is also very affectionate and selfless. Usually she wears black paired with one other color (mostly purple) and dark make up, but don’t let that fool you! She’s almost as gleeful as Wynn 😛

I also wanted to share some of her background, but remember, the following are Mimi’s memories, they did not happen “in real life” and everyone in our system is aware of that. 

[Trigger warning: losing parents, car accidents]

Mimi’s parents died in a car crash when she was five years old, which led to her growing up in an orphanage that her auntie Molly runs (Mimi was often called “Molly Jr”, hence the nickname). She says she doesn’t remember the grief and she considers her childhood a happy one. The orphanage was fairly small, so the other kids and her aunt were pretty much like a family. Mimi was close to her aunt even before her parents death, which made things easier for her. And that is about all I know.

We haven’t quite figured out her role yet, but I suspect it has something to do with eating/exercising/body image issues intensifying. I also have this theory that we needed a new member to help balance everyone out, since Jiyu (who was an internal self helper) didn’t really fit in anymore. 

Anyway, that’s about it for today!

/Phemie

Hanging out with the “body’s” friends

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For me, as an alter, hanging out with “the body’s” friends/ classmates is sort of awkward. Don’t get me wrong, they are nice and all, I don’t have anything against them, but I just don’t know what to do with them, you know? I try real hard to talk to them and be nice and stuff (and I usually do pretty well, I think) but sometime I just can’t help but sit there all quiet and shit because I’m not sure how to deal with this rather odd situation.

And then again other times it makes me wish that I had friends of my own, out here. I’m not desperate for social interaction or anything, but I have to admit that I do feel a bit lonely sometimes. There is just not that much that makes “the real world” appealing to me. Maybe having my own friends would change that. Maybe it would even help me feel more.. real or human or whatever.

I don’t know, maybe I’m just being silly.

Having difficulties with new alter

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[Trigger warning: eating disorder, body image issues]

Short background: I was admitted to hospital because of a bad depressive episode in late November last year. Being at the psychward was hell and causes a lot of chaos in my system. What I think happened is that a very angry, destructive alter split off from Phemie and integrated with The angry man (another alter), and this new version of him was frighting to say the least. After I was discharged, this destructive alter disappeared and three new ones appeared: Benji, Kathryn and a male teenager who still remained a mystery, until a few days ago where he became much more.. concrete? clear? I don’t know. He was as confused by suddenly fronting (and by merely existing, it seems) as I was (I was co-conscious with him).

He calls himself Stranger. He is in his early teens, dark haired, very lost and frustrated and deeply unhappy with being an alter, especially in this body. Okay, unhappy is an understatement. It is simply unbearable for him, he hates this body wholeheartedly. He is disgusted with it, thinks it’s fat, though he does admit that from an outsiders point of view it isn’t that bad, but the fact that he has to live in it makes it insufferable for him.

Furthermore, he is utterly confused, totally lost. He doesn’t know the first thing about himself, and it’s killing him. And I don’t know what to do. I wish I could help, but I don’t know how. Honestly, I’m scared that he will try to take losing weight in his own hands and do something bad in sheer desperation. I can hear him commenting on everything anyone eats, telling us not to, and I know that he is curious about pro-ana and pro-mia sites. I’m really worried about him.

Progress with Benji

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For those of you who don’t know, Benji is one of my newest alters, he is 8 years old and has a history of abuse. When he came to my alters’ house, he barely spoke.. But he’s been making so much progress! Phemie’s been taking care of him and him and Wynn are best friends now 🙂 

Yesterday, Benji fronted for the first time. It happened in school and it was.. strange to say the least. He has this melancholia to him, but it went well. Not sure if anyone noticed, gonna ask around tomorrow I think. He was out for about 20-30 minutes, which is fairly long given the circumstances (I usually switch rapidly and frequently in school). Sorry, I just can’t get over how strange it felt. I can’t really explain it, it was just very unfamiliar. 

I still haven’t quite figure him out. A couple of days ago all hell broke loose in the inner world. Nemo had a breakdown and went back into his windowless room in the attic. There was this tension in the air, and everyone was feeling down. Phemie and Kathryn were hanging out in her room, discussing what happened. Even Wynn was feeling blue, she was curled up in Jiyu’s bed the whole time. Benji remained surprisingly calm though and I’m not sure why. 

Either way, I think that him fronting is a good sign, or at least that’s how I choose to see it.