dissociative identity disorder

Small update

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[Trigger warning: talk about abuse, nothing specific is mentioned]

Hello everyone, hope you are doing alright.

We have not been very active here, so I thought I’d give a little update. What the fuck have we been up to? Well, lately, we have been hanging out with the sis and mum, dealing with stuff for our trip.. And we’ve been doing a lot of reading. More specifically, we’ve been reading two books called “The myth of sanity” and “The dissociative identity disorder sourcebook”. Maybe one of us will make some kind of review on them later. Anyway, it really got us thinking. I can’t say it was triggering, but it did get us thinking about our life, our system and most of all, about one of our abusers. And that started a little crisis. It’s better now, but it was difficult.

I guess it’s no wonder, when you learn more about dissociation, and hear other people’s stories and you start examining your life and come to the conclusion that you have in fact been dissociating way more than you previously realized. It kinda hits you like a rock, and you just start questioning everything, which is what made us think about one of our primary abusers. I am 100% certain that this person was abusive, but when anyone of us tries to think of concrete examples we just come up empty handed. To be honest, I’m not to worried about that since I am sure that this person did bad things, but I can feel others inside getting all worked up about it.

Our lack of examples does not surprise me personally because 1. We barely remember anything from our childhood (except for Nemo and Benji, but they keep that a secret) and 2. this person’s abuse was mainly emotional, and I feel like emotional abuse can be very difficult to pinpoint because it’s often so subtle. Also, it can be hard for child to spot because it can be more abstract. You just suddenly feel bad, or try to avoid someone and you don’t know why. Not to mention that emotional abuse, in some cases, is on-going, it’s always there in one form or another until you are so used to it thar you don’t question it anymore.

That’s about all I have to say about that right now. Thanks for reading.

/Phemie

Rambling about stuff

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Hello everyone, it’s Mimi here.

As you might know, I’ve been watching Avatar: the last airbender (the series, not the movie) these past couple of days, and the day before yesterday I finished it. And ever since I’ve been.. Broken. I know Phemie made a post about how me and Aang are very alike in many ways,  and I agree. He was my favorite character.

Anyway.. I got such a kick out of watching the show, I was so motivated to take charge of my life and change it for the better. I started working out every day, working on fulfilling childhood dreams, started talking to (the body’s) childhood friend and plan on meeting up. I even decided to tell her about us being multiple.. I was so energetic, motivated and most of all, I was happy.. And now the show is over and I’m just a shadow of myself. I’ve been more anxious than in a really long time, I have trouble sleeping, and my stomach has been aching for days. I’ve been crying miserably, over and over again.. I just feel so utterly alone and lost and sad. I truly feel like I lost a dear friend, and I know it’s silly, I know it is.. It was just a show, and a kids’ show at that… But I don’t know.. I guess it was the first time I was able to truly relate to something out here. The truth is that I’ve been struggling with finding things in “real life” to hold on to. It’s so incredibly hard being an alter, most people do not know that you exist or simply deny that you are real. This world is filled with so much suffering and darkness that most of the time I’d rather stay inside, i feel like there is just nothing for me here.

Not to mention that you have obligations to your system, it’s my job to protect the others, but what if I’m not strong enough? What if I break when they need me the most? I’m just a kid.. All I want is to be a normal teenager, hang out with my friends and be.. Normal. But I don’t have any friends out here, and it’s so painful to be so lonely. I don’t want to be alone anymore.

(In the inner world) I grew up in an orphanage after my parents died when I was 5. The orphanage was run by my aunt, and it was very small and familiar. Even before my parents died I spent most of my time at the orphanage, the kids there were my best friends, so living their was a lot of fun. My aunt had always been my favorite relative. She is strict but fair, and she has such a big heart. Me and the other kids would play everyday and generally be up to no good. Now I live with the other alters in a house, and while I do like them, they just don’t feel like family the way my aunt and the other orphans did. I’m just so different from the other system members..

Aang is stuck in an ice berg for 100 years and when he comes back, the world he knew is gone. The other air nomads are gone, his childhood friends are gone. He is 12 years old (technically 112), and it is his job to save the world, but he finds himself a new family and together they travel the world and save it. That’s always been my biggest dream: finding a family, exploring the world and making a difference together. But I really doubt it’s going to happen..
I just feel like, if Aang was real, we would have understood me. Maybe, he and the other characters, could have been my family. I know, I know, they are not real, it’s silly and lame, I’m such a dreamer and I need to get a grip on reality..
I’m just lost..

Update: I just had an appointment with my physical therapist and I told her about all of this. She told me that it’s “my” (the body’s/first alters’) childhood (or rather, lack of it) I’m grieving. I think she is right, and this realization is somehow very comforting..

Today’s outfit and make up

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That’s what we look like when I get to choose what to wear and how to do the make up, hope you enjoy! 🙂 sorry about the bad quality though..
/ Mimi

Characters that remind you of your alters

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I think it’s kinda cool when you come across a character, in a book or movie or whatever, that reminds you of a system member personality-wise.

I recently started watching avatar, the last airbender and i gotta say, Aang really reminds me of Mimi. Like Aang, Mimi has a very playful approach to challenges and life in general. Now, I don’t mean playful as in not taking things seriously, but rather that she remains optimistic and tries to see the bright side. She has a lot of faith and believes that there is good in everyone, and she is very eager to help others. Sometimes, both Mimi and Aang might even come off as a bit naive.
Just like Aang, Mimi is very spiritual and has a deep connection with nature and animals. However, below the surface, they both fear and doubt that they are not strong enough to face what is to come (for Aang, that would be saving the world and for Mimi, it is the challenge of being an alter and protecting the system). I wouldn’t say that Aang resembles Mimi perfectly, but the ways in which he does are very striking.

I’ve also started watching an anime called Steins;gate (an awesome anime btw) and it features a character that reminds me so much of Wynn that it’s almost scary. The character is called Mayuri and she is just the sweetest girl. She is very childlike, to a point where is comes off as a little dumb. However, as the series progresses, we learn that, while she isn’t very cunning, she is very perceptive and unbelievably caring. Just like Mayuri, Wynn is so loving, kind and innocent that she can seem a little slow, but in reality she is very perceptive and does understand more than she gives away. Both of them seem so carefree most of the time, but they do have their worries, they just don’t really show it. Also, they both like cosplaying and kawaii stuff.
They might not be good at math or whatever, but they are good with people. They see with the heart, not the mind and I think that is what makes them so precious.

Realizing this has made me wonder what characters us other alters are alike, and i gotta say that I’m not sure yet. Have you come across characters that remind you of your alters? Which ones and why do they remind you of your system members?

Big announcement!

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Basically this whole year we have been working towards fulfilling a dream we’ve had since we were kids (those of us who were around back then, anyway): visiting Japan.

And now, our dream is about to come true! In fact, we will be staying at a host fanily from october to january while studying Japanese at a school! We will be living in Fukuoka, but hopefully we’ll visit many different cities in both Japan and possibly China and Korea.

Needless to say, we are all very excited! Basically everyone of us really want to do this, so it has been the main motivator for us all to work on our issues, both individually and as a system. Naturally, it’ll be a huge challenge for all of us but I’m sure we can do this!

I still have a hard time believing it, considering where we’ve been.. A few years ago, just the thought of leaving our room could make us cry and panic, using public transportation would lead to so much anxiety.. We had no proper diagnosis despite having spent years and years as a patient at a mental health clinic. No one understood, no one saw what was going on.
There was a time when Nemo would come out almost every night and cry so hard he could barely breathe. Or he would get triggered out and be so anxious he couldn’t move for hours by someone simply raising their voice. We have had saboteur alters hurting us and before that years of confusion and doubt and depression. Not the mention all the abuse..
Last year we were in hospital three times because of mental health issues..

It’s been a long time coming, and we have all worked so hard to get to this point.. And here we are, about to go on the adventure of our lives, and I feel.. Ready. I think we are ready 🙂

Hope you are all doing great!
/ Mimi and RP

Look who’s back, bitches!

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We’ve been away on vacation, but we are finally back (with some new make up, awwh yeah). Selfies are usually not my thing, but with this new make up and tablet (which actually has camera at the front, awwh yeah nr 2) I just couldn’t resist. Here ya go.

/ Phemie

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Drafting a contract

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We’ve been very inactive lately, not sure if anyone gives a shit so whatever. 

Yesterday, we as a system made an important decision, which I will tell you about in just a few seconds. Now, making that decision lead us to start considering writing a contract for our system. We have thought about it before, but never really felt a need for it, but considering recent events I do think that it’d be worth giving a try. 

As of yesterday, Mimi is in charge of the body’s physical well-being. That means that she gets the last word when it comes to when/what we eat, when/how we exercise, body modifications and self-harm. None of us identify with the body, and therefore none of us feel responsible for the body. That is a good thing when it comes to decision-making since it makes compromising easier (no one is like “it’s MY body, I get the last word”), but it also allows unhealthy behaviors to go unhindered, and we can’t have that. And since Mimi has the most healthy attitude towards food/exercising/body image out of all of us, the choice was easy. She will try to make sure that we have a balanced diet (healthy food mixed with some sweets and snacks here and there), exercise regularly but not obsessively and so on. Now, one has to remember that we have a high level of co-consciousness, so consulting Mimi at any given time won’t be a problem. Respecting her decision might be though. We’ll see.

Now, the question is, what else should we include in our contract? Well, for starters, we should include that, while we (the other alters) must respect and be considerate of RP’s (host) fears and concerns, they (RP) must not pull us back and suppress us when it comes to everyday decisions. That means that we get more say in things like what to wear, we may announce ourselves to people we feel safe with and we get more time to spend on our hobbies. Sounds fair enough to me. 

Also, I need to have the right to voice my opinion, one way or another. Because seriously, this bottled up anger is getting the best of me, and I ain’t having it. I’m still not sure how to express it without triggering someone else, but we’ll have to work on that ASAP. 

I really like that we’ve been getting more room to buy stuff we want, like art supplies, food and clothes. I think we should keep that up. Of course there has to be a limit, we can’t just go off and spend all our money. Guess we’re gonna have to put someone in charge of our spendings. Probably RP. See? I can be diplomatic as fuck. 

(Perhaps everyone should be in charge of something, based on their traits and talents?) 

What else? Can’t think of anything right now.

Do you guys have any ideas on what should be included in a contract? Do you have one?

/ Phemie