2014 has been rough so far. Went back to school this week, and it was more of a challenge then I had anticipated. Getting up early in the morning had me feeling exhausted from the minute I woke up to the minute I fell asleep, which sucked because I felt like I had so much to do and I was so motivated but I just couldn’t fight being overwhelmingly tired. I should be proud of myself for actually getting up and going to school instead of calling in sick and just sleeping (which is what I wanted to do), but I’m not. I rarely proud of myself, and that is something I really need to work on.
I’ve also discovered something else that I really need to work on: Not eating everything that’s on my plate. It probably sounds silly… Eating everything on your plate, even if I don’t like it or if I’m full, has always been natural to me. I’ve never questioned it, and nobody has every pointed out to me that I do this, simply because no one things it’s strange to eat up. This past year or so, I’ve been trying hard to be more healthy and to reduce my stomach issues, and as a part of that I’ve been trying to eat smaller portions. I’ve come to realize how compulsive I really am about it. I know exactly why I have that compulsion, it’s because of the abuse I’ve been put through and that makes me so sad. I really feel like I’m still being controlled by my abusers, like I still have no saying over my life.
Sometimes, I even feel bad when the people I’m with don’t eat up everything on their plate. There have been times when I’ve persuaded them to eat it, or when I’ve simply done it for them. Admittedly, it’s been a while since I’ve done that, it just baffles me that I’ve never realized how strange that is. However, my compulsion to eat everything that on my plate still remains. Often, I will go into the cafeteria in school (it doesn’t matter where or with whom I eat, I still feel compelled to eat everything, this is just an example) determined to eat until I’m full and throw away whatever’s left on my plate. My determination just crumbles once I’ve started eating, every time. I have managed to not eat everything a few times. Nowadays I feel proud if I don’t eat everything on my plate. I think about it for the rest of the day and tell my boyfriend when I get home. But lately, I haven’t been able to stop myself. No wonder I’ve always had such aches in my stomach after lunch, I always eat till I’m uncomfortable full.. Do you have this problem too? What did you do about it?
On a more positive note: I’m finally starting to work out at the gym again! I’ve been putting it off for months because I’m scared of not being home when it’s dark. However, my friend is finally ready to start working out again so we can go together! We are going tomorrow and I’m excited 🙂
This week’s (Monday – Sunday) challenges are:
1. Talk to my psychologist about my compulsion
2. Do this routine at least twice
What’s your challenge(s) of the week? And how has 2014 been for you so far?
I know, I know, I’m a bit early but that’s just me.
I usually don’t make new years resolutions, in fact, last year was my first time doing it. My resolutions were: Losing the weight I gained when I started taking my meds (7 kg, about 15.4 lbs) and getting in shape, and reading 52 books. I failed with both, but to be fair, it wasn’t entirely my fault. I was very low in the beginning of this year, which resulted in two hospitalizations. After that, I actually did start working out regularly for 5 week before I got glandular fever -.- Doctors orders: not exercising for a few months. When I finally was cleared and ready to start again, I got depressed again and I was back in hospital for three weeks.. And I admit it, failing to read 52 books was my fault.. I got to about 24-26 books.
My resolutions for next year will be to:
1. Work hard with my alters. I want us to cooperate and support each other more, so that we can grow as a system and become emotionally more high functioning. I want to stop interfering and pulling them back when they are trying to say what needs to be said and do what needs to be done. They exist for a reason, and I have to stop preventing them from doing what they were made to do.
2. Establish and maintain healthy but simple everyday routines so I can stop obsessing over my body and food. If I eat good food and exercise regularly, then I don’t have to be as obsessive and strict with myself. Keeping things simple with hopefully make it easier to stick to my routines, and hopefully I can lose some weight and get in shape without having that nagging, nasty voice in my head. I really hope that I can get more comfortable in my skin. To help me accomplish this, I’ve decided to start a weekly segment called “Happy, healthy, comfortable 2014” here on this blog. I will get back to you with more details on this segement If you are interested in joining me, please let me know so we could support each other and make it a bit interactive!
What are your new years resolutions?