dissociative identity disorder
[Trigger warning: strong language]
Where the fuck are you? I’m fucking serious. Things have just gotten gradually worse over the last few weeks and it’s just getting ridiculous. I’m tired, no actually, I’m exhausted. Totally fucking drained. Why? No idea. I suppose it’s our bipolar sticking out its ugly little head again, every day I just feel depression clouding my mind more and more. I want to sleep for a hundred years. I want silence and darkness, I want to be left alone.
Seriously guys, I need a break, like, right now. So where the fuck are ya’ll? It’s like you’ve just left me here. Switching doesn’t seem to work anymore. I don’t know what the hell is going on. RP is just absent, only fronting when absolutely needed. Mimi’s been all quiet and shit since the incident with Mr Arrogant Asshole, and I know it hurt you but seriously, fuck that fucking asshat. He’s a ignorant bitch, more shit comes out of mouth than his ass. I need you around ASAP. I know you are knew and we’re not sure what your role is and whatever, but please don’t let that intimidate you. I mean, we can’t expect the kids to front in school, Stranger is too unstable, God knows what stupid shit Sinner would get us into (I don’t trust them, can you tell?), Kathy does more good inside than out, which leaves us with you, me and RP. I’ll even let you wear the clothes you wanna wear, pinky promise.
Guys, we are supposed to help each other out, remember? Could someone just please step up, step in and cut me a fucking break?
I can’t begin to describe to you how exhausted I am. I don’t know what the hell is going on, but whenever I’m (or most other alters actually) out I just sleep or sit around doing nothing. I simply cannot bring myself to do anything productive. Wynn has been out a lot lately, not sure if it’s because we’ve had a break from school (she is usually only out when I’m alone with my boyfriend) or if it’s because she’s been the only one with any energy whatsoever, that’s been able to front. Mimi was out briefly here and there, but to be honest she hasn’t been very active since the incident with the friend we had to block. She pretty much kept to herself, didn’t speak to anyone after that. A couple of days ago I noticed her speaking with Sinner (super weird considering they are like polar opposites, but whatever) and it’s helped her. Mimi now has her own tumblr blog (MimiMollyJr if you want to check her out) and I think that’s a good thing.
Hmm, what else.. Yeah, we’ve been having a minor (?) crisis, just things from the past coming to haunt us. It’s been very hard on especially me and Stranger, but we’re okay now. That’s about it for now I suppose. Hope you are all doing alright.
Except it doesn’t, now, does it?
For the longest time I kept asking myself, now that x years have past since y, why am I still not getting any better? Why are we as a system still suffering everyday? Why are we still afraid, still feeling unsafe, still anxious, still struggling? Then it dawned on me. Time does not heal wounds. Sure, it provides the means for you to improve, but it does not do the work for you. It does not magically make all your problems disappear. Why aren’t we getting better? Because we spent all those years doing the wrong things. We were not working through the shit that has happened, and to be fair, how could we? You can’t get over trauma if you are still very unstable. We didn’t have anyone to help us along the way, nor did we have the time or energy given the fact that we had to spend it all on just making it through the day.
I was naive, thinking that it’s about how much time has passed, when really, it’s about if you are in a position to work on the “right” things (for instance, if your current situation is stable enough, if you have someone to work with you) and if you really are working on it. One month of hard work is going to do more for us than ten years doing nothing, I’m sure.
Not only did we not work on our issues, we didn’t really live either. We did not go out and make memories, perfect skills or learn something new. We did nothing.
Maybe I’m just being bitter, been feeling so off these past weeks.
Mimi was out today and decided to play around with make up and dress us up a bit! She even put on the thigh highs with ribbons on 😛 Here are some selfies she took. Shame the eye make up didn’t look as good in the pics as it did in real life.. Oh, and sorry about the blurriness in some of the picture!
Hope you enjoyed them, and happy Easter everyone! 🙂
It was very outdated and, frankly, quite horrible. It was pretty clear to me that RP wrote the whole thing before they’d gotten to know us.. So weird going back and reading it, but I guess it shows how far we’ve come in terms of getting to know each other.
Up until our diagnosis of DDNOS a little over a year ago our host RP was unaware of the rest of us alters, despite us having a high level of co-consciousness for years. And i suppose that makes sense since RP was basically the only one fronting ever. Now, that’s not to say that they (RP is agender, and we use the pronouns “they” when referring to them) did not notice that something was different about us. For instance, I know that at some point they told our therapist at the time that they felt like the body, mind and emotions were disconnected from each other, that thoughts did not reflect emotions and actions did not correspond to thoughts and so on. They wondered why they were unable to identify even the slightest with the body, and why “our” personality was so inconsistent. Not to mention all the times RP felt like the body was moving and talking by itself, that they had no control over what was going on. Sure, us alter did communicated sometimes, and while RP often did find those conversations strange, they just wrote it off as normal internal dialogues.
After being diagnosed with Aspergers and bipolar, and kind of sorting out the problems related to those disorders, RP slowly but surely became aware that we were several people sharing one body. As mentioned in a previous post, at first they dismissed the possibility of us being multiple because it just seemed too crazy. They did nonetheless draw a mind-map of all the “voices” inside and showed it to our therapist, who had no clue what to do with this information. We switched therapist, showed her the mind-map and soon after that she diagnosed us with DDNOS.
The alters that were included in that mindmap had been members of the system for years, which is why RP was able to identify them once things had calmed down with our bipolar and we had figured out our Aspergers more. At this point I’d also like to clarify that when RP is co-conscious with another alter, they are usually able to feel their emotions and communicate with them internally.
The first month after our diagnosis RP’s only way of getting to know the system more was mapping it. Every so often they’d draw a new “map” of the system members and write down every little piece of information they’d gathered. It was also during this time that RP and us alters together chose names for ourselves, which is why some of us have such unusual name. At the time we picked names with meanings that matched our personalities. RP would also try to figure out if there were more alters by writing down thoughts/emotions/opinions and so on that they could not backtrack to any already discovered alter. It didn’t work very well, don’t think they ever found anything conclusive that way.
A lot of the things we know about each other we have learned through co-consciousness. Feeling someone else’s emotions and being able to follow their train of thought makes it fairly easy to draw conclusions as to what kind of a person they are. However, this only let’s us know more about their personality (general attitude, moods, some likes and dislikes), there are still a lot of things we don’t know about each other. You can only learn so much about someone by observing them, some things you can only find out if the person decides to share with you, which brings us to our next “source of information”: alters voluntarily introducing themselves. Many things we’ve learned about each other simply because alters decided to tell us more about themselves. That is how we learned that Mimi was an orphan, that Benji lived alone with his father and so on. Now, naturally, some alters share willingly while others still have not opened up. We know very little about Stranger and Sinner, for instance.
Sometimes alters will give away some information during art therapy. They might decide to front and paint a picture, of a memory or what they look like. That is how we learned that Mimi has purple eyes, for instance.
About 6 months after our diagnosis, we experienced another trauma. I’m not gonna go into what happened, but I can tell you that it was not abuse. After that incident our PTSD-symptoms and dissociation intensified. Our memory became worse than ever, but we still worked hard on trying to communicate with each other, both on our own and in art therapy. At this point we had also already been hospitalized twice that year. From here on, things get very blurry, so bear with me
If I remember correctly, us other alters started fronting more frequently and RP tried really hard to stop interfering with us. And I suppose that fact that we got a chance to experience the world more helped us alters grow as people, and led to new discoveries about ourselves. Thanks to art therapy we also discovered a way in to the inner world.
I’m not entirely sure, but I think that every alter who surfaced after that incident already came with a name, which explains why some of us have more common names. And the last 4-5 alters to reveal themselves did so kind of dramatically by just popping up inside our head out of nowhere, usually when we’re about to go to sleep, or by simply making their way into our dreams, or both. (Most previous alter we’d discovered in flagranti/ when in action. For instance, the fact that I exist first dawned on RP when I was fronting and they were co-conscious with me).
I can personally see some sort of “evolution of communication” in our system, from being unaware of each other, to RP trying to figure us out to alters raising their voices and sharing voluntarily.
This was a long post, sorry about that. Hope it was interesting for you guys! Any questions are welcome, as always.
[Trigger warning: abuse]
I just remembered something forgot to mention in my previous posts! Another reason why nobody noticed our multiplicity is the fact that we as a system “specialize” in rapid, frequent and “smooth” switching. The primary abuse we experienced was continuous, if we weren’t being actively abuse we were just waiting for it to happen. Everything could change drastically anytime, any place, so we were required to switch frequently to match current circumstances. But of course no one was to know that we switched, which is why I believe that we have such a high level of co-consciousness. Life was unpredictable, every alter needed to be on stand-by, watching, ready to switch and handle whatever may come our way. Or, in other words, there was no way of knowing what might happen next, so every alter needed to be informed and ready just in case they happen to be the one needed at the front.
We still switch very frequently, to a point where we actually struggle to keep one alter at the front for more than a few minutes. As previously mentioned, our switches are far from dramatic, and most alters have the same accent and tone of voice, so know one will notice a switch.