dissociation

Small update

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[Trigger warning: talk about abuse, nothing specific is mentioned]

Hello everyone, hope you are doing alright.

We have not been very active here, so I thought I’d give a little update. What the fuck have we been up to? Well, lately, we have been hanging out with the sis and mum, dealing with stuff for our trip.. And we’ve been doing a lot of reading. More specifically, we’ve been reading two books called “The myth of sanity” and “The dissociative identity disorder sourcebook”. Maybe one of us will make some kind of review on them later. Anyway, it really got us thinking. I can’t say it was triggering, but it did get us thinking about our life, our system and most of all, about one of our abusers. And that started a little crisis. It’s better now, but it was difficult.

I guess it’s no wonder, when you learn more about dissociation, and hear other people’s stories and you start examining your life and come to the conclusion that you have in fact been dissociating way more than you previously realized. It kinda hits you like a rock, and you just start questioning everything, which is what made us think about one of our primary abusers. I am 100% certain that this person was abusive, but when anyone of us tries to think of concrete examples we just come up empty handed. To be honest, I’m not to worried about that since I am sure that this person did bad things, but I can feel others inside getting all worked up about it.

Our lack of examples does not surprise me personally because 1. We barely remember anything from our childhood (except for Nemo and Benji, but they keep that a secret) and 2. this person’s abuse was mainly emotional, and I feel like emotional abuse can be very difficult to pinpoint because it’s often so subtle. Also, it can be hard for child to spot because it can be more abstract. You just suddenly feel bad, or try to avoid someone and you don’t know why. Not to mention that emotional abuse, in some cases, is on-going, it’s always there in one form or another until you are so used to it thar you don’t question it anymore.

That’s about all I have to say about that right now. Thanks for reading.

/Phemie

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Does this happen to you

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It’s hard to describe.. Sometimes, someone will be out and doing their thing while making plans for the day, they will suddenly hold their breath for a moment and when they exhale, it’s like they just shrink into nothing. Like, one second they are themselves and then suddenly so much insecurity and exhaustion washes over them (? The system? I don’t know) and it’s like.. I don’t even know what happens, they just start questioning everything and themselves and all the plans for them day suddenly seem unappealing, they just want to hide somewhere.

I don’t know, maybe it’s just dissociation, or a switch or.. I don’t know, i just don’t know..

The way it was part 3: Switching

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[Trigger warning: abuse]

I just remembered something forgot to mention in my previous posts! Another reason why nobody noticed our multiplicity is the fact that we as a system “specialize” in rapid, frequent and “smooth” switching. The primary abuse we experienced was continuous, if we weren’t being actively abuse we were just waiting for it to happen. Everything could change drastically anytime, any place, so we were required to switch frequently to match current circumstances. But of course no one was to know that we switched, which is why I believe that we have such a high level of co-consciousness. Life was unpredictable, every alter needed to be on stand-by, watching, ready to switch and handle whatever may come our way. Or, in other words, there was no way of knowing what might happen next, so every alter needed to be informed and ready just in case they happen to be the one needed at the front.

We still switch very frequently, to a point where we actually struggle to keep one alter at the front for more than a few minutes. As previously mentioned, our switches are far from dramatic, and most alters have the same accent and tone of voice, so know one will notice a switch.

Reaction to Kati Morton’s video on DID

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I follow Kati Morton on Youtube, she is a therapist intern (I think?) and she makes videos about mental health issues. Recently she posted this video where she talks about DID and maladaptive daydreaming and so I wanted to share that video and my reaction to it with you guys.

So let’s start with the positive things. I really appreciate her bringing this up and trying to raise awareness!
I feel like many professionals who talk about DID skip the “inner world” part, and I like that she actually talked about it.

However, I think that she just missed all of the central parts, the characteristics of DID, like how alters can and do take over the body, the alters’ roles, the amnesia and the fact that you get attached to your alters. I think that that is what she made it sound like DID is about spending all your time on fantasizing about a person you made up, when in fact it is much more than that. I also think she didn’t make it clear that we don’t create alters consciously.

All in all, I think she focused on the wrong things and that she didn’t actually explain what DID really is but I appreciate the effort nonetheless. She wasn’t disrespectful, and that means a lot to me. Hopefully some viewers decide that they want to know more about DID after watching this!
What are your thoughts on the video?

Update: Wynn and tumblr

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I have now given Wynn her own tumblr for her to follow blogs and check out their pictures (she only cares about the pictures and GIFs, really). However, she will not be posting anything at all, and I’ll make sure she only follows safe blogs and sticks to only checking her dash and nothing more. I’ve also disabled the “submit” and “ask” functions.

I feel like it’s a good compromise, she can look at pretty things and be happy and inspired, but still be safe. I still have some thinking to do regarding her posting stuff, because she is really into fashion and wants to show the world her clothes and stuff but I’m afraid of people being mean to her. We’ll see what I come up with, perhaps we can find a way for her to safely run her own blog but for now I’ll let her post stuff on mine.

When I was a kid and my parents forbid me to do certain things I used to get really annoyed, but now I begin to understand their reasoning.. It’s hard keeping kids both satisfied and safe.

What Phemie kind of looks like

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Once again: these are just pictures I found on the internet, I didn’t make them and I don’t own any rights to them.

It’s pretty hard finding pictures that fit Phemie’s description, so I’m guessing I’ll have to split it up into her appearance, her clothing style and the way she does her makeup.

Here we go, starting off with her looks:
She has brown hair, slightly curly hair that goes to just below her shoulders, and she has pale, olive-skin. Her eyes are brown or possibly green. She is fairly short and neither skinny nor curvy. She will often look indifferent or gloat over others bad luck. And, believe it or not, she is a Mila Kunis look-alike.  Kind of like this:

 

Both her fashion and make up choices are grunge-ish. She wears mostly muted or dark colors, preferably checkered shirts and gray jeans, boots and little to no accessories. Like I mentioned in an earlier post (These past couple of days part 2) she will usually wear makeup. Most of the time she will wear fairly dark, brown or wine-red, eye makup, dark rouge and nude or dark wine-red lipstick. It sounds pretty dramatic but she keeps it quite natural-looking. This are some outfits she would wear:

 

And her makeup looks a little something like this:

 

So I hope that was interesting and that it helped you get an idea of what Phemie looks like!

 

 

Cloudy with a chance of fuck-ups

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So my mind is still weird. I can’t think, I can’t concentrate and I keep forgetting things. I am going on a camping trip this weekend, so yesterday I took the train to my parents house to collect a bigger bag and a sleeping bad and stuff like that. So I get all my stuff, got on the train to the city where my boarding school is and after a few minutes, the train stops. Apparently the police had stopped the train because there was someone on the track. Because of this, my train arrived 30 minutes later than scheduled.

When I reached my boarding school, I realize that I had forgotten my stuff on the train. *sigh* So I called the costumer service, and they give me the number to the eh.. the department that takes care of thing people loose on trains. I went to school this morning, as usual, and then it struck me that I forgot to bring the note with the telephone number of the department. Great, just great. I tried finding it one the Internet, but it turns out they have four different phone numbers that are almost identical so I really couldn’t which of them was right. Instead, e-mailed them. I got a message back saying that it can take up to two weeks for lost things  get to the lost and found department.

Yeah… I’m getting really tired of this. It really feels like I have this dense fog in my brain, almost like someone is trying to block me out. Maybe someone is, I don’t know.. I was a little better yesterday morning, then I slipped back into zombie-mode.

Brain, what did I do to deserve this?