I need a girl..

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Who can remind me that there is good in the world

/Phemie

Does this happen to you

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It’s hard to describe.. Sometimes, someone will be out and doing their thing while making plans for the day, they will suddenly hold their breath for a moment and when they exhale, it’s like they just shrink into nothing. Like, one second they are themselves and then suddenly so much insecurity and exhaustion washes over them (? The system? I don’t know) and it’s like.. I don’t even know what happens, they just start questioning everything and themselves and all the plans for them day suddenly seem unappealing, they just want to hide somewhere.

I don’t know, maybe it’s just dissociation, or a switch or.. I don’t know, i just don’t know..

Big announcement!

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Basically this whole year we have been working towards fulfilling a dream we’ve had since we were kids (those of us who were around back then, anyway): visiting Japan.

And now, our dream is about to come true! In fact, we will be staying at a host fanily from october to january while studying Japanese at a school! We will be living in Fukuoka, but hopefully we’ll visit many different cities in both Japan and possibly China and Korea.

Needless to say, we are all very excited! Basically everyone of us really want to do this, so it has been the main motivator for us all to work on our issues, both individually and as a system. Naturally, it’ll be a huge challenge for all of us but I’m sure we can do this!

I still have a hard time believing it, considering where we’ve been.. A few years ago, just the thought of leaving our room could make us cry and panic, using public transportation would lead to so much anxiety.. We had no proper diagnosis despite having spent years and years as a patient at a mental health clinic. No one understood, no one saw what was going on.
There was a time when Nemo would come out almost every night and cry so hard he could barely breathe. Or he would get triggered out and be so anxious he couldn’t move for hours by someone simply raising their voice. We have had saboteur alters hurting us and before that years of confusion and doubt and depression. Not the mention all the abuse..
Last year we were in hospital three times because of mental health issues..

It’s been a long time coming, and we have all worked so hard to get to this point.. And here we are, about to go on the adventure of our lives, and I feel.. Ready. I think we are ready ­čÖé

Hope you are all doing great!
/ Mimi and RP

What we have been up to lately

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We’ve been away for a while, but now that we are back I thought I’d give a quick update on what the hell we’ve been up to.

First, we attended a camp way up north here in Sweden. It lasted five days, i think… We went to this camp last year too and it was so much fun, which makes it all the more disappointing that it was pretty horrible this year. Some of the other kids, especially the “younger” ones (14-16) were pretty fucking annoying, yelling and nagging and fighting all the time. And of course since we were around people who we weren’t comfortable with and who don’t know about us being multiple, us alters had to hold back and stay low, which was pretty fucking hard considering how upsetting the screaming and bitching of some of the other kids was. Needless to say, by the time we got on tge train back home we were very feeling very numb yet irritable and exhausted as all hell.

We got back home on a Friday night and headed off to Berlin monday morning. We (us and the body’s family) go to Belin for two weeks every year to visit some relatives. Once again we had to hold back while being surrounded by the family’s bullshit fights and shit. While we did have some good moments, most of the trip was kinda ruined by all the bitching and moaning. Also, we noticed that, when the second week came around, we had forgotten the first week almost completely.

Coming back home we were pretty bad off, stomach was aching all the time, we were so anxious and irritable and low.. It was just a big-ass mess.
That is when the bf suggested we go visit his family, since they were going celebrate his grandmother’s birthday. After that we were planning on going camping for a few days, just the two of us. However, we had to change plans, so we ended up only visiting his family and attending the party. The bf’s family is nice and welcoming, but we were still getting worse. Thoughts of self harm emerged along with anxiety, doubt and depression. Had a good talk with the bf and Mimi came out for a while, and we’ve been doing so much better since we came back.

Today, we had our first art therapy session after a month’s break, and it felt really good getting started again.

What have you guys been up to?

/Phemie

Look who’s back, bitches!

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We’ve been away on vacation, but we are finally back (with some new make up, awwh yeah). Selfies are usually not my thing, but with this new make up and tablet (which actually has camera at the front, awwh yeah nr 2) I just couldn’t resist. Here ya go.

/ Phemie

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The Host

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Yesterday I saw this movie called “The Host”, with my sister and mum. It’s a romantic sci-fi movie based on a book by Stephanie Meyer (I know, I know.. just hear me out) and I was honestly a bit shocked at how well I could relate to it. You see, in the movie, aliens have invaded earth and started taking over the human race. Basically, the aliens are these small worm- like creatures that are inserted into humans, the human’s consciousness becomes suppressed/ disappears and take over is complete. When this happens, the eyes of the person changes to a sort of glowing light blue. However, sometimes, the human’s consciousness lingers, the human fights to stay alive, even though they have next to no control over the body. That it exactly what happens to the protagonist Melanie – an alien (so called “soul”) is placed in her body, but she keeps fighting and in the end they are both trapped inside the body.

Now, the aliens are not evil, they do not want to harm anyone. Quite the opposite, they are extremely peaceful and kind. They have invaded earth to end violence and save the planet. The soul who is placed in Melanie’s body is called Wanderer, and she now has control over the body, but as I mentioned earlier, Melanie is there inside with her and throughout the movie they have these conversations inside their head. Of course various issues keep coming up, like how Melanie feels trapped inside her own body and how frustrating it is for her that others only see Wanderer, or how torn Wanderer is between what she wants and what Melanie wants.

While I was watching the movie I couldn’t help but glance over at my mum and sis to see how they reacted to it, because it really felt ┬álike they were seeing the story of my life (you know what I mean…), and it honestly made me a bit nervous. Needless to say, it was very odd seeing something so.. accurate? easy to relate to? considering that the movie wasn’t about DID/DDNOS or mental illness at all.┬á

I’d definitely recommend you check out the movie, and feel free to tell me what you thought! I’d love to know.

“I used to say …

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“I used to say I’m sorry
For all of the stupid shit you’ve done
So now I’m really sorry, sorry for being the apologetic one”

Dead to me – ┬áMelanie Martinez