Would I…?

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[Trigger warning: cursing, self-harm, eating disorder, compulsive exercising/eating, abuse, trauma, not being believed]

If I was making this whole “alter”-thing up, would I…

Give them their own disorders and problems, like depression, self harm, eating disorder and so on, and act on them just to appear more authentic? Let clarify; would I cut myself, or exercise almost every day/ eat until I feel sick just so I could have witnesses/scars to prove my point when I go to my mental health care professional and tell them that my alters did that.

Spend time and money on buying clothes, make up, accessories, painting equipment, books, stuffed animals and so on that I don’t even like, to “complete” my role playing?

Spend time and money on weekly therapy and medication, and even have the ability to fool mental health care professionals for years?

Dedicate YEARS of my life to going to therapy, seeing mental health care professionals who reinforce abuse I’ve been through just to be able to provide records to prove that I’ve been fucked up for a long time? I started seeing professionals when the body 11-12 years old, and I still see someone every goddamn week, and the body is fucking 20 years old now. 

Sit in school and pretend to be unable to complete or even start with tasks because my imaginary alters are interfering? 

Fill my iPod and phone (that nobody check anyway) with music I don’t enjoy?

Start a blog and get to know other people with similar problems just to make my imaginary disorder realistic?

Get myself admitted to hospital three times in one year just to add to my made up sob story?

Fake a disorder that most people don’t know about or think isn’t real?

And for what? Attention? What the fuck is that going to do for me? Attention is not going to make us normal, it’s not gonna make up for all years we’ve lost to abuse and dealing with the aftermath. It’s not going make us happy, or make us feel like we’ve accomplished something, Attention is not going to do jack shit. It would not be fucking worth all of the years of work one would have to waste in order to fake a disorder like this. 

That is just fucking absurd.  

/ Phemie


One thought on “Would I…?

    manyofus1980 said:
    April 10, 2014 at 8:32 am

    I know how you feel. We’ve had many call us a fake. Just cause our did is not like their did, or they are just fucking stupid. I am glad that you decided to write this. It speak to us. So thank you. XX

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