Happy, healthy, comfortable 2014 #9 In all honesty (about my struggles with eating/body image/ exercising)

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[Trigger warning: eating disorder, body image, exercising]

Today I just need to speak up about my struggles, because I honestly feel like I’m going to explode.

If you have been following me for a while you’ll know that I overeat compulsively due to the abuse I suffered as a child. I cannot leave food on my plate, I have to eat everything or, if I’m having a good day, make sure someone else eats it for me. I’ve gotten better, really. Before, I had even trouble with other people not finishing their meal. I’d either persuade them to eat up or do it for them (that was mostly when I was still a child though). Admittedly, I have succeeded in not eating everything (in other words, stopping when I was full) a handful of times, but when I do I think about it for the rest of that day and I get so, so proud that I have to tell my boyfriend all about it. However, like I said, it’s only been a handful of times and it’s been month since last time. Eating until you are uncomfortably full of course takes a toll on your body. I’m not overweight, I never have been, but my digestion has always been a problem for me. I’ve had IBS-like symptoms for as long as I can remember.

While I do think a lot of my problems are caused by stress and my lactose intolerance, I’m also pretty sure that some of them are due to my inconsistent eating, because let me tell you, I’m rarely hungry. If I’m not on some kind if schedule (like when I’m in school) I forget to eat. So basically I go hours without eating, and then overeat because I have this compulsion to eat up. It doesn’t matter if I didn’t like it or if I’m full, I have to eat it all. There is no logic behind it, I just have to.

My relationship with exercise has been an on/off one for years. I can suddenly get this urge to start exercising, I’ll work out regularly for weeks or months, and then just stop and move on to hating it. And even when I do work out on a regular basis, I don’t really enjoy it. Right now, for instance, I’d say that about 1/3 of the times I work out I feel depressed/disappointed/sad/frustrated/suicidal afterwards. After about ever 6-7th workout I feel energized and happy. The rest of my work out sessions just feel like a chore. I do not enjoy working out, yet I do it almost every day.

Today was one of those days where I felt worse. I recently finished blogilates’ beginners work out calender, and planned on moving on to their monthly calender, and just looking at the list of videos that I was supposed to do today made me feel real low. But I got started, I did my best but the disappointment and frustration just kept getting stronger and stronger. I tried to  ignore it, thinking that I’m just going to do my best and that’s all I can do. It didn’t help. I started crying, my nose started running like crazy and I just hated myself.

I feel like this disappointment with myself just gets stronger the longer I work out, you know? In the beginning I’m sort of okay with just doing something, but as time goes by I need to get results. I don’t see or feel them and so I start loathe myself. “Why can’t you complete this exercise? Why are you still too weak? You are never going to get slim or pretty, never”. I’m fairly sure that it’s actually Stranger (my alter) speaking, because he really does hate the way this body looks. My motivation during workouts? Picturing all the unhealthy foods I’ve eaten recently and that stomach fat of mine that I’ve hated for so long.

And then I sit here in front of the computer, crying, feeling so tempted to look up tips and tricks on how to loose weight and to go to pro-ana/mia sites. But then there comes this other voice (mine? RPs?) who tells me that no, you are not going to do that. It will only make everything worse, it’s going to make you sicker. You need to fight to stay well so you can have that future we’ve been planning.

I’ve only recently started understanding how much of a problem eating, body image and exercising is for me. Therefore, I haven’t really reached out for help regarding this particular issue. I’m try to now, but to be honest, I’m afraid. Afraid that I won’t be believed, and afraid that I will. I’m afraid that they’ll tell me that I have to stop overeating (even though I’m fully aware that that is what they’re going to say, and what I ultimately want..) or that I have to stop exercising (I don’t enjoy it, but I am terrified of quitting).

I’m not sure what to do. I don’t know what I want. I’m scared.

/Phemie

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