[Trigger warning: eating disorder]
Yes, I’ve been really slacking when it comes to HHC 2014. Well, at bloging about it anyway. I’ve been doing my very best at following blogilates’ beginners work out calender, which has been my goal for the last couple of weeks. I must admit that I did not work out for almost one whole week abut three weeks ago, simply because I was visiting a friend! We did not exercise, but we did eat a lot of sweets and snacks, yay! No, but seriously, we ate a lot of chocolate and what not, but I honestly didn’t feel all that guilty about it as I usually would, so I can’t really see it as a failure. In fact, I’m quite proud of myself for not being so hard on myself!
Anyway, I started where I’d left off with the calender, which means that I’ve now completed the whole calender! Wohoo. I’ll now be moving on to the monthly calender that blogilates also releases.
I’ve been home alone this weekend since my boyfriend is visiting his parents, and I have to say I’ve quite enjoyed it. It’s been sunny (oh my, can I just say that I absolutely love sunshine? Makes me feel so fucking fabulous) and I’ve been working out, discovered my new favorite ice cream flavor (yoghurt and kiwi, holy shit, so delicious… or yoghurt with any fruit really) and making smoothies with the blender I picked up a few days ago. I’m totally obsessed with smoothies right now, can’t for the life of me figure out why I haven’t started earlier.
What else.. hmm.. A few days ago I overate compulsively pretty badly.. Now, I have a problem with leaving food on my plate, or in other words, I have a compulsion to eat up. I had two appointments that day, so I had eat lunch out. First, I had pizza, which I finished very quickly despite it being fairly big. For some obscure reason I had decided beforehand to also go eat a piece of cake at this café that someone had recommended. So, after finishing my lunch, I went looking in some shops to pass the time before I went to the café. Now, I felt my stomach just getting worse and worse since I had eaten way too much way too fast, but for some stupid reason ignored it. I got my piece of cake, it was delicious, and about one third through I got uncomfortably full. Did that stop me? Of course not. My compulsion to eat up actually gets worse when I’ve paid for my food. I ate a few more pieces, and started feeling real sick. At this point it honestly felt like the devil himself sat next to me, forcing me to eat more and more, despite me crying that I can’t take any more.
I finished the cake and felt so, so ill. I then headed to the disastrous doctors appointment which I wrote about yesterday or the day before yesterday or something. He told me that I didn’t have a primary eating disorder because I hadn’t lost weight. God knows I’ve tried, but he didn’t ask about that. The appointment lead to a big mental breakdown, and later that day I broke down while exercising, just crying and hating myself for eating that damn cake, thinking I’m never ever going to become slim and pretty (probably Stranger’s fears, not mine).
But we’re doing better now. I’m even slightly optimistic. Weird, right?