What happened at the doctors

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[Trigger warning: suicide, self harm, eating disorder, not being taken seriously by mental health care professional, strong language, anger]

A few days ago we had a doctors appointment. We had been told more than a month ago that it was going to be the re-evaluation for DID that we had requested, but the day before the appointment we were told by someone else that it would probably going to be an assessment for eating disorders, so right from the start we were a bit annoyed by the fact that the people responsible for our treatments have no clue what’s going on. But you know, we tried real hard to stay positive, we had asked for both of these evaluations, so you know, whatever. 

However, the appointment turned out to be nothing, just nothing. Except for a waste of our time and a go at reliving trauma. He asked how rational part was doing, asked about our medication. RP (rational part) asked if this was going to be about the DID or eating disorders, it was neither. The doctor wanted to know more about our anxiety, so RP gave a brief answer before moving on to talking about our struggles with eating/exercising/body image. No response. After pushing the doc for answers, he just gave the same bullshit response about how he can’t make evaluations, one has to look at the big picture when treating us, getting a diagnosis wont help because they can’t treat everything at once anyway, bla bla bla bla. 

We started receiving treatment for our mental health problems when the body was 11/12 years old, so we’ve met a lot of mental health care professionals in our days and boy have they messed us up. Most of the ones we’ve seen have thought that they know best and they already knew all the answers so what would be the point in listening to what we were actually saying be? Their general attitude has made us relieve our abuse, they have reinforced our trauma and I dare say that we have indeed been mentally/emotionally abused by mental health care professionals, therefore we are extremely sensitive to their bullshit. So sitting there in that assholes office, listening to that same bullshit I’ve heard a million times, it just… There is only so much a person can take, and that doctor just was the straw that broke the camel’s back.

Nemo came out, as he usually does when we are faced with not being believed/listened to, and he doesn’t speak so we were just sitting there silently, staring blankly at nothing. The doctor asked “Are the others talking to you right now?” and all I could think was “No, it’s just that your ignorance leaves me speechless”. 

Results of the appointment:

Got prescribed anti-anxiety medication (that we didn’t ask for. I honestly don’t think we need them)

Got a referral to get some blood tests done (again, didn’t ask for that, not sure we need it)

Nemo wanted to die, Stranger debated whether he wants to live or not

Jiyu, Benji, Kathryn and Wynn kind of temporarily disappeared, Wynn re-appeared later that day. RP basically just sat down in a corner, (on the inside) rocking back and forth while mumbling “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry” over and over, being absolutely useless (although I don’t blame them). 

The doctor said that we don’t have a primary eating disorder because we haven’t lost weight, so Sinner took that as a challenge and wanted the body to loose weight and he also wanted to hurt the body real bad just to get back at the doctor

Mental breakdown, with crying for hours at two separate occasions that day

Wynn said that there must have been some mistake when she was born, because she thought that she was never supposed to be born later that day

Me being pissed off beyond belief and having to deal with the aftermath. 

Had to stay home the next day because of all the chaos inside

Thanks doc. All these years RP has handled appointments with health care professionals of any kind, they’ve been polite and patient, it’s gotten us nowhere. If I had my way we’d never talk to a psychologist or doctor ever again, but RP really needs to have the certainty of a diagnosis to be able to commit to recovery fully. Therefore, we’ve decided that I will be taking care of business, I’ll demand to get our evaluations, and if I have to be a bitch then so fucking be it. For years now we’ve felt like we need to self harm for mental health care professionals to take us seriously, we have honestly felt like they’ve been challenging us to do it, but we’ve resisted. Now we’ve agreed that if we need to hurt the body in order for doctors/psychologists/whatever to believe us, we will. I really hope that it wont be necessary (and I do not encourage anyone to self harm, it is not a cure for anything) but it seems to be the only language they understand.

Other than that, we are going to take a break from everything apart from art therapy and meds, and work on recovering by ourselves. I’m so fucking done with their bullshit, honestly.

We are better now, still shaken up, but better. I feel like this whole thing might has brought us closer as a system. Hopefully we’ll be back on track soon

/Phemie

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