Being a child abuse survivor…

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[Trigger warning: abuse, consequences of it]
Being a child abuse survivor is…
… not being able to recognize love even when it’s thrown in your face
… lacking a coherent sense of self
… not knowing what a healthy relationship consists of
… being uncomfortable when someone is being genuinely nice because you have no idea how to respond to it
… taking the fall for others because you know how to handle pain, but not seeing someone you care about hurt
… knowing someone for years but still not be sure whether they actually like you or not 
… constantly going from hating your abusers to agreeing with them and back
… feeling like you don’t belong anywhere except for maybe in the darkness
… pushing people away before they can do it to you
… feeling worthless
… when pain and sorrow are the most reliable friends you’ve ever had 
… being stuck inside of yourself
… wanting to fight but not being sure what to fight for
… desperately needing to be loved and hated
… being fragile and resilient
… holding your tongue
… not knowing where you are going, but never forgetting where you’ve been
… seeing darkness everywhere and in everyone
… being hyper vigilant at all times, even with people you like or when you are on your own
… not sharing your thoughts or feelings cause you don’t want to make people sad, you don’t want to be a burden and they wouldn’t understand anyway
… feeling alone and empty
… a daily struggle against things that people try to tell you are in the past but never truly will be

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