Recent struggles

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[Trigger warning: talk about eating disorders and self-harm, general ranting]

This year has been shitty, and of course it has affected my mental health and DDNOS. On top of me getting  diagnosed with DDNOS and being hospitalized three times, I’ve also experienced something very traumatizing this year. I’m not gonna go into what happened, it’s personal and I don’t want to trigger others. However, I do believe that it exaggerated the barriers between me and the other alters and that it intensified their and my struggles. We always struggled with the aftermath of our traumas, but I believe that this incident has caused us/Nemo to develop PTSD (I might get an evaluation for it in the beginning of next year). Needless to say, these past couple of months have been hard on me.

We are a very transparent system, in terms of co-consciousness. While all alters have defined and distinct personalities, it seems that we keep merging in everyday life. Everyone is so close to the surface that they just keep butting in all the time, causing us to switch rapidly throughout the day. And that’s a huge problem because it makes me feel like I am, or perhaps we as a system are, all over the place. Here’s an example: I’ve talked about this before, but I/we just keep going from binging, to being obsessed with healthy food and exercise, to wanting to restrict, to binging and so on. Same thing goes for our attitude towards getting attention: One minute I/we suffer from social anxiety and just can’t do shit by ourselves, then we suddenly get extremely jealous and get this nasty need for outdoing everyone else. We need to be better at math, be a better artist (which is absolutely ridiculous, we suck at it and barely draw/paint anyway, so why would it matter?), have better grades. And the sickest part is that it sometimes manifests itself in a need to be worse off than others, like, we might feel a need to have more and bigger self-harm scars, be more depressed, lose more weight and so on, than someone else. As if it’s a competition. As if it’s desirable. We crave the attention. But then, the next thing I know, we couldn’t care less, we are totally fine on our own with no attention whatsoever. And it changes just like that, from one second to another. I understand that these feelings and urges must be connected to different alters, that’s why it keeps changing. It’s just driving me insane because these emotions and obsessions obviously are a huge burden, but what really makes it unbearable is the fact that they change so fast that barely anyone on the outside notices. I/we rarely act on these emotions, they usually don’t effect our life practically (except that we have to go see mental health care professionals year after year after year because of them) simply because they get turned on and off so quickly. Does that mean that it’s not so bad? Hell no. Does that mean that others don’t realize how fucking hard it is? Unfortunately, yes. Naturally, this makes me feel like nobody understands, and, you guessed it, makes us relive our traumas. It might sound strange to other multiples, but I really wish that we could be less co-conscious. Nobody can help us if we just keep switching from one problem to another in a matter of days, hours, minutes or even seconds. I just want to be more stable, more consistent, you know?

We ordered Amongst ourselves (a self-help book for people with multiple personalities), hopefully it’ll help us be a more stable system.

/Phemie

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