[Trigger warning]: talk about ptsd and the effects of trauma
Yesterday, Nemo came out after we had a talk to our psychologist. He was sad, as usual, but he also had this need to write down his feelings here on this blog, which is remarkable, it’s really not like him at all to want to reach out and share his feelings and thoughts. Him and Phemie were co-conscious, on my way home I could hear her verbalizing his feelings, contemplating what to write (as he only ever speaks through her). When I got home I couldn’t get the internet to work, which upset some alters a lot. I tried to turn on the TV to distract myself, but it wouldn’t work either… Needless to say, things got pretty bad, Nemo was out and very, very sad. Luckily, our cat came and sat next to us on the couch and wanted us to pet him, which gave us a reason to not get up and do something bad.
On our way to art therapy, Nemo finally showed me what he looks like. I learned that he is three years old, has light-brown hair and wears a blue school uniform, with a blazer, shorts, shirt and a bow tie and all.
In art therapy, Nemo fronted again. He painted a picture of himself, with the “ptsd monster”. Basically, it’s a monster that always follows him around and whispers things in his ears, usually he talks about the things that we’ve been though and convinces Nemo that everyone is just like our abusers. Sometimes the monster sits on his shoulders and covers Nemo’s eyes with its hands. This monster is black and has sharp teeth. It can be in solid form, but it can also be more like a fog.
It’s gray and dull where they are, and there are mountain tops in the background. The monster basically torments Nemo by making him relive what has happened, keeping him stuck in the past. Often, the monster tries to trick him into falling from a ledge. I believe that Nemo spends most of his time in this state of living in the past and being overwhelmed by sorrow, but then he sometimes has moments of clarity, where he knows that he isn’t really living in the past, that it’s just the monster that tricks him into thinking so. It’s very heartbreaking for especially Phemie to see him so broken and tormented. We talked to our psychologist about doing a bigger, more thorough evaluation of our difficulties to determine if there are more disorders that we suffer from, that have gone undetected. I hope that it will show that we/Nemo in fact does suffer from PTSD, because I think that a formal diagnosis will help him see that people are not our/his enemy, the PTSD monster is.