A few years ago, I was filled with self- hate. Unfortunately, it’s a common thing amongst people with mental health disorders, especially depression. I had this voice telling me that I wasn’t the smartest, prettiest, most talented and loved person, I was nothing. A nobody. No one cared about me, me least of all. I told myself that I was worthless, a complete failure, not even worth ridiculing, because that would mean that someone payed attention to me and gave me minute of their time. If someone told me that they liked me or that I did good, I would fake a smile, thank them politely and proceed to welcome the familiar feeling of grief filling my chest. Being complimented meant that the person couldn’t see the true me, the good-for- nothing, insignificant little me. It may be a cliché, but I really was my toughest critic. Somehow, I thought that if I wasn’t the best, I automatically was useless. Be perfect or you’re out.
Then I came across Glee’s version of Van Halen’s “Jump”, and one line in particular touched me deeply. “I ain’t the worst that you’ve seen”. I thought about it long and hard, because honestly, that line turned my line of reasoning on its head. I was so focused on being the best, that I had completely forgotten that there are other options. After the first place comes the second, the third, the fourth and the hundredth and thousandth. “I ain’t the worst that you’ve seen”. My mind was blown, and even more so when it dawned on me that it was true. I wasn’t the worst that you’d seen. I might not be the best, but I’m definitely not the worst. And that is good enough for me. Don’t get me wrong, I’m still my toughest critic, I still hate myself for not being better, I still break down because of real or imaginary failures but.. I know have a more humble approach. I’m not as harsh with myself anymore. I still have a long, long way to go before I can accept and actually love myself, but until then I’ll rest assured that I’m not the worst that you or I have seen.