These past couple of weeks I’ve suffered from semi-hallucinations of a real scary clown. It’s like I see him so clearly inside my head that he gets projected onto reality, if that makes any sense. He’s been popping up in doorways, behind me when I look into a mirror, he has been crawling up to me when I’m in bed. It’s more than just scary. This clown awakens this complete and utter terror from deep within, like a basic fear that shakes me to the bone. At the same time, I feel this need to look right at him, the uncertainty I feel when hiding or looking away is somehow more frightening than him.
I painted him in art therapy, and me and my therapist discussed what he might represent. We agreed that he probably represents a nasty memory from my childhood that is about to come to the surface. I have an idea of what it might be, and it scares me. I’ve been so anxious ever since we talked about this, my head has been aching, I’ve been sad and exhausted, my stomach’s been a mess.. The wait is killing me, I just want to get it over with but I guess I have no choice but to be patient.