[Trigger warning: eating disorder]
This is something I’ve only ever talked briefly about before, because it’s something I’m ashamed of. However, I feel like it’s time to open up about it. I’m not sure where to start, to be honest…
I’ve never liked my stomach, it’s never been flat enough for me even when I was a child. There is always this voice in my head, I think it’s the phobic, compulsive, paranoid part, judging my body and particularly my stomach but most of the times it doesn’t effect me that much- I hear it but I don’t react to it. Then, there are times when this voice dictates my life, I can’t silence it, I can’t ignore it, I can’t not react. It echoes in my head and it won’t leave me alone. Sometimes it gets to a point where I can’t stand to look at myself, it doesn’t matter what I put on, nothing can hide my stomach and I can barely leave my home. I become obsessed, not only with my body but also with others- I can’t stop myself from looking at others stomachs, judging them, envying them. I’m ashamed to admit it, but yes, when this hatred towards my body, particularly my stomach, overwhelms me, I look at other people and judge them.
There have also been times where I have fantasied about stabbing my stomach with a scissor or knife because I hate it so much,
Eating is also something I’ve struggled with, going from wanting to starve myself to restricting to overeating and exercising to compensate to binging and comfort eating followed by self-hatred, guilt and shame to focusing on being healthy, and back. . I can’t make up my mind it seems. I am so terrified of gaining weight that I usually can’t use a scale, I simply couldn’t handle if it showed more than last time. Now, I can link some of these behaviors and thoughts to specific alters- Wynn is impulsive and has a sweet tooth so she binges, Nemo/the broken child wants to fade away so it wants to starve, the phobic, compulsive, paranoid part is certain that no one will like or love us unless we’re thin and good looking, so it restricts and compensates with exercise, the rational part is, well, rational so it responds with focusing on being healthy… While these voices and urges are present every day, most of the time it doesn’t effect my eating behavior, it tends to remain only thoughts and feelings. . Sometimes, especially when I’m stressed for a long time or if I’m depressed, the voices become loader, the guilt and shame intensifies and my eating behavior changes for the worse. I’m curvy, my clothing size is small, I eat like everybody else when I’m in school or around people. No one would suspect that I have these thoughts and feelings of self-loathing in me. But I do, and it’s gotten worse lately.
There, I said it.