I’m finally feeling better, yay 🙂
I saw my psychologist today and we talked about how some of my alters are kind of sabotaging my therapy, about their specific problems and the fact that I’ve become way more forgetful lately.
First thing’s first: the last couple of weeks have been difficult, and I’ve always left my psychologist feeling triggered or just very low. A friend of mine told me that every time I get back to school after seeing my psychologist, my eyes were completely blank and that it scared her. My psychologist told me that she feels like every time she suggests something I could change, I just shut down and I totally agree. It made me realize that I have about three alters who don’t want to cooperate, for reasons that I haven’t fully figured out yet. While I don’t have a real solution to this problem, I still feel calmer knowing this. And honestly it has helped me not feel so guilty about being reluctant to really give therapy a try because I now understand that it’s not my fault and that the alters who don’t want to help have their reasons.
It felt so good to be able to talk to her about their problems because I have sometimes felt as if she doesn’t want me to explore my alters but rather I don’t know… not accepting them? I’m pretty sure that’s not what she meant, but that’s just the feeling I got. Anyway, it was such a relief 🙂
We also spoke about my forgetfulness and how it’s gotten worse the last couple of weeks/months. I remember having trouble recalling things and dissociating more heavily certain periods of my life, were I would be “gone” for a few seconds or a minute or so (not sure) and then wake up and realize that I have no clue what the people around me were talking about or what they’ve said to me. Now, I’m also starting to have trouble remembering what I’ve done certain days, like for instance, I know that I saw my psychologist three times two weeks ago, but I can’t remember being there at all. There’s just nothing and it kind of freaks me out a bit. My psychologist had a very interesting theory, she said that memories a linked to emotions. The times that I had been seeing her, but am unable to remember, she got the impression that I wasn’t really there emotionally. She said she simply couldn’t get to me, that I was too detached somehow. I think it makes a lot sense because it recently dawned on me that whenever the rational part is out, the depersonalization get much more intense- I just feel far away and untouchable, like this body isn’t mine, nothing matters to me or affects me and almost as if I’m some sort of alien who has nothing to do with life on earth, you know what I mean?
I was also introduced to another quite interesting theory, coming from my mentor at school. He said something like that my alters kind of represent what I actually want to do. I think there might be something to it. When I grew up, there was no way for me to explore the world and myself because abuse restricted me from it. Instead, I was forced to spend every day fighting for survival. It seems logical that I had a lot of fantasies about what I wanted to do, both in terms of how I wanted to fight back but also in terms of finding out who I am and what I like and so on. I never really had the chance to stand up against my abusers and what they put me through, and also never had the opportunity to live a normal, happy life. I never really could act on those fantasies, so maybe I created people in my head who could. And maybe those people went from being surrogates for me to being their own and being alters. A theory certainly worth considering.
Don’t forget, if you have any questions or things you want me to write about, please leave a comment or go to my tumblr wemethem and ask away! 🙂