Shit hit the fan yesterday

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I had a major relapse yesterday and just thinking about it upsets me…

[Trigger warning: self-harm, anger, suicidal thoughts]

I was doing fine until I saw my psychologist. We talked about the fact that I worry a lot and that my worries sometimes become very far-fetched. Especially my fear of making others angry with me can become almost absurd. So she suggested a coping strategy called “worrying time”. The basic idea is that you try to “make an appointment with your worries”, or in other words, you try to put your worries aside until a particular hour, like 3-3,30 pm for instance. During that time you’re allowed to worry as much as you like. That’s all fine and dandy, but it triggered me and it wasn’t until I left that I could figure out why: fear and worry has always been my only motivation to get out of bed in the morning. Hell, I would have killed myself years ago if it wasn’t for the fear of making others angry and disappointed. Worry is what gets me through the day. And I don’t think anyone understands that my entire life and being is based on worry and fear. I’m sure some people think that I enjoy life, or that I’m ambitious. That’s not the case, I’m just terrified. It kind of pains me to realize that the worry and fear is so deeply rooted in me that it doesn’t show on the surface. I just feel like if I was to put aside my worries, I’d stop functioning all together. I probably wouldn’t even bother to get up in the morning.
To be fair, my boyfriend motivates some parts of me. Unfortunately, it’s not enough to keep me functioning. Sad, isn’t it?

So like I said, I was very triggered by this and therefore very upset when I got back to school. I was way to pissed off to talk to anyone, at lunch I could barely stop myself from using the fork to scratch up my skin. When I was finished eating, I had calmed down a bit. So me and my friend headed back to our classroom, as I walked back to my desk I felt a classmate of mine hit me with a ruler. It wasn’t hard and it didn’t hurt at all but it was enough. Phemie turned around and looked him dead in the eye for a while, as I was trying hard to stop her from hitting him. I almost lost that fight, but I managed to walk away to the basement. Now, this is were it gets a bit blurry, but I called my psychologist but I just got that tone telling me the line was busy, I texted my boyfriend and then I did something I hadn’t done in years: I bit myself. Last time I did it, it lead to my first hospitalization. Well, I never bite hard enough to penetrate my skin, but the pain really helped me to focus. So I got up, meaning to find my mentor and tell him that I need to go to the hospital ASAP because I was really feeling like hurting myself badly or trying to kill myself. Unfortunately, he was stuck in a meeting. Now, Phemie was going to just walk in there and drag him out but social anxiety got the best of us so we waited outside, at the entrance of the cafeteria. Time passed, I was freaking out but waiting patiently. I five minutes late for class, but since my mentor was still in that meeting (and it was his class I was late to so I wasn’t missing out on anything) I waited. That’s when one teacher passed me and decided that my business was his business. He asked me what I was doing there, and I told him that I’m waiting for my mentor, and he was like: Well, he is in a meeting so you’ll have to wait (In my head: WELL NO FUCKING SHIT SHERLOCK DIDN’T I JUST TELL YOU THAT I’M FUCKING WAITING FOR HIM?!). You should go to your class and wait there (YOU NEED TO SIT YOUR ASS DOWN. HAS NO ONE TOLD YOU THAT TALKING ABOUT STUFF YOU HAVE NO IDEA ABOUT MAKES YOU LOOK LIKE A STUPID ASSHOLE? GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY FACE). I was unbelievable angry, but being conditioned to not piss others off, I said that I wanted to wait here. He walked away, and I had had it. My boyfriend was telling me to come home to him. After the incident with the teacher (this was not the first that that particular teacher triggered me by the way) I told my boyfriend that I couldn’t stand it anymore, and I was honestly close to doing something really bad. Instead, he urged me to come home right now, so I took off and e-mailed my mentor on my way back instead. While I sat in the bus home, I couldn’t stop myself from biting my arm some more. Seeing the marks on my skin was so satisfying and comforting and.. addicting. When I got home, me and my boyfriend laid down on the couch, he took me in his arms and we talked about what had happened. I tried calling my psychologist several times more, 12 times in total but always got the busy-tone, which was weird. I think I calmed down pretty quickly though, or maybe I was switching to Wynn or so, I’m not sure…

My arm is bruised, but that’s okay. I’m better now, at least for the moment. I still am easily triggered, but I made it through school. I’d be proud of myself if I knew how to.  It’s so frustrating when all you want is a quiet, happy life but then people get all up in your business and face, questioning your every move and making you feel like shit all over again. As if I haven’t had enough drama and trauma for a lifetime. You know what I’m talking about, right?

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