As I laid there in the blanket fort I suddenly remembered something: I have been an insomniac for literally as long as I can remember. I recalled that when I was younger, about ten years old or so, when I laid in bed at night and couldn’t sleep, I fantasized that me and my stuffies were hiding in a tree. I had magical powers that I used to make our hiding place impossible to spot from the outside. I don’t know what we were hiding from, or why and I’m not sure that this memory means anything at all but I don’t know… I just think it’s kind of sad that even in my fantasy world I had to be afraid and hide. Oh well..
Anyway. Texting with my boyfriend and hiding in my blanket fort eventually made me feel better. I started trying to map my alters, suspecting that there was more to find. It made me realize that I really need a secondary host (in other words, an alter who will manage my everyday life when the primary host, the rational part, can’t) to keep us going when the rational part is out of business. I figured Phemie would be the best candidate. I’m still not sure how to “make” her the secondary host, or if it’s even possible to just decide that that’s the way it’s gonna be. I guess I’d have to leave her more room and let her do her thing, but it’s so scary because she’s so different from me. For one thing, she wants to wear make up, which I rarely do. I’ve thought about just giving her free rein to dress and style me but then the social anxiety kicks in and I just can’t… What will people say? How will they react? How will I react to their reactions? What if someone says something about it and Phemie isn’t there to defend herself/us? Maybe that’s the main issue here- I’m scared that she’s gonna abandon me when I need her the most.
The next day was some sort of “outdoor recreation day” at school, we were supposed to go hiking, but since I had the appointment with my psychologist I couldn’t come along (I don’t think it had been good for me anyway) so I was home the next day, trying to keep myself occupied so I wouldn’t give in to the urge to hurt myself. Honestly, I have trouble remembering that day, I can’t seem to recall anything at all, I think I built a blanket fort again and I’m sure I went to see my psychologist but other than that, it’s just blank..
I don’t know if I should be worried that I don’t remember.
Anyway, I wanted to thank all of you for the support I’ve received! Thank you all so much
This entry was posted in Bipolar disorder, Dissociative disorder NOS/dissociative identity disorder, General mental health issues, Tumblr and tagged alter, alters, anxiety, bipolär, blanket fort, depressed, depression, DID, dissociative identity disorder, fantasy, fantasy world, hide, insomnia, insomniac, sleep, social anxiety, tumblr.