These past couple of days part 1

Hello everyone, I hope you are doing well. While I still am pretty unstable, I do feel like I’ve been sort of okay yesterday and today (so far). I haven’t been very active lately due to me being unwell, so I thought I’d try and give you an idea of what these past couple of days have been like for me. 

[Trigger warning: self-harm]

I guess I have felt gradually worse for a few weeks, but it escalated last Tuesday. I want to see my psychologist to talk to her about when I got badly triggered on a camp I had been to the weekend prior to that Tuesday, and I talked to her about how I felt like no one was taking me, or more specifically the angry man (see “about me”) seriously. Unfortunately, her response was to try to normalize anger and rage to lessen my shame. It backfired, to say the least. The broken child got triggered out, the angry man was furious and I was caught in between. She obviously saw that I was very upset, but we had to end our session because the patient after me was waiting outside and we were already taking up time from her session so I went home (I was too upset to go to school). When I got to my apartment at the boarding school, I could feel my body moving towards the drawer where the knifes are. I opened it, and felt sick so I shut it again and took a few steps away from it. Again, I felt my body almost being drawn back to the drawer, I opened it and picked up the knife. I got these images of me cutting myself, it made me nauseous, reluctant, terrified but whoever steered my body apparently didn’t give a crap because it put the knife to my finger. It turned out to be too dull to cut with, which was both a relief and a annoyance. I was so disappointed in myself, and I still am. I called the psych-emergency room (I didn’t tell them that I had tried hurting myself though. I don’t know why I didn’t tell them, I juts couldn’t bring myself to do it) who told me to call my psychologist. I did that, got to her voice mail and left her a message. 

Then, while I waited for her to call me back, I got a weird urge, which I followed through with: I wanted to hide in a blanket fort. I cleared my desk, put a sheet on it and a blanket under it and crept right in. I still felt the need to self-harm, so my body  (I say “my body” cause I’m not sure who it was but it sure as hell wasn’t me) picked up my phone and started watching a video of a person showing his/her self-harm scars on Youtube. I felt so sick that I had to turn it off. I am not that easy to put off but there is just something about injuries that just makes me so sick. I couldn’t even read the descriptions of what happens when you sprain your ankle in biology class. So anyway… I stayed in that blanket fort for about four or five hours, with a few short breaks in between. I texted my boyfriend telling him what happened, and after a while I was able to calm down. My psychologist called me a few hours later and gave me an appointment for the next day.