I was diagnosed with DDNOS in January or February of this year. I started realizing that I was split like a few weeks or months before that. In other words, I’ve spent the majority of my life not knowing that several people shared my body and mind with me. Naturally, there were some signs and I do recall thinking that there was something fundamentally wrong with me, but not being able to pinpoint what it was when I was about 14 or so. Remember; I am always at least co-conscious, so I didn’t and still don’t loose time or have black-outs to give away that I wasn’t alone in my body. I had already been a patient at the local children’s psychiatric clinic for a few years at that point, but I had no idea what was causing my depression and they wrote me off as being “just a little depressed” from the get-go, so they never really took the time to figure out what was going on with me. I remember trying to tell my therapist about this feeling that I was very different from others. I told her, cautiously, that I felt almost as if I had voices in my head talking to me and that I sometimes just knew things that I had no explanation for knowing. I was terrified that she would think that I was insane, or worse: that she would not take me seriously. She said that what I described sounded like intuition.
About a year later I said to her that I wished that I could get my mind, body and feelings to co-operate. I had namely come to the conclusion that most of my problems were caused by those three components working almost independently. It was as if they didn’t at all belong to me, they were just so random. I often found myself feeling one way, but not having my thoughts and behavior reflect that emotion. It also worked the other way around. I might curse and scream and act all pissed off, but not feel a thing and have the calmest thoughts. It just didn’t add up. From what I understand, it’s normal to feel that way from time to time, but experienced it every single day, and I still do. I might find myself being overwhelmed by sadness and bursting into tears, but have no idea why because I don’t have any matching thoughts to give me a clue. I might hear myself be very angry and but feel nothing. I might be very upset and desperate to express myself but not being able to move my body or mouth to do so. Now I know that I experience these things because my alters can take over on different levels, exclusively or simultaneously. I might have Wynn’s thoughts in my head and the angry man’s feelings filling up my body. It might sound confusing, but that’s because it is.
Another sign was that I could never find a single word that did described me accurately, or vice versa: I couldn’t find an adjective that did not describe me. It sounds a bit strange, so let me explain. My opinions, feelings, thoughts, hobbies and interests, gender, self-image, my identity, changed drastically, several times a day. One moment Wynn could be out, dressing me up in a cute dress and feel so pretty and happy. From one second to another someone else might take over and be extremely uncomfortable, feeling so stupid and embarrassed in that exact same dress. So whenever I thought back on the day that had passed, I could say that at one point I was very social and I enjoyed being around people, while I, maybe an hour later, was the complete opposite: I had severe social anxiety, I disliked everyone I knew and I never wanted to see anyone ever again, and both statements would be equally true. I was was equally a happy, energetic person as I was a depressed, anxious person. At some point during the day I loved alternative music and had always done so, while at another point I only enjoyed pop music. One moment I loved doing goofy dances, the next one I could not even imagine why in the world anyone would want to dance voluntarily and doing it myself was utterly unthinkable. I was erratic, just all over the place. Every adjective that came to mind did and did not describe me at the same time. Looking back, it’s obvious that those were logical consequences of having multiple personalities but at the time, I was just so confused. And everyone would just tell me that it’s normal not know who you are when you’re a teenager. I can’t even begin to explain how much it annoyed me when people started talking about puberty and stuff.
So I hope that was interesting and I will talk to you guys later! 🙂