I’m an atheist, I don’t believe in God or any other deities. There have been many times were I wholeheartedly wished I did. Times when I had lost direction, I felt like live wasn’t worth living and that I was completely alone. I envied those who trusted that there was someone above looking out for them, who hadn’t and wouldn’t abandon them. I needed to know that I was gonna get through it, and I needed to know that someone had my back. I tried really hard to believe but I just couldn’t do it.
However, there is a religion that I’ve always found appealing, even at very young age: Buddhism. Maybe because (this is just the way I interpret it, correct me if I’m wrong) you focus on making your own way. You do your best to follow the eightfold but your are still the one making the rules, ensuring that they suit you and your life. I feel like it’s a lot about looking into yourself, trying to understand why you do, feel and act they way you do, and relentlessly trying to improve. I’ve always been an observer, living inside my own mind most of the time. I never stop assessing, contemplating, worrying, trying to understand, and, more importantly, finding ways of doing things better. And my life has always been filled to the brim with suffering, so I guess that’s why the buddhistic way of viewing life has always felt close to my heart.
I’m starting to believe that I have an alter who is a buddhist. He (I’m pretty sure it’s a he) is so compassionate and empathetic, and balanced somehow. The need to research it more and talk to buddhist is growing stronger, yet it also scares me. I’m not sure why, maybe because someone in my system feels that atheism is the way to go and won’t accept anything else. It feels like a huge step.
Any advice would be welcome!