[Trigger warning: self-harm, suicide]
Last semester was extremely tough for me. I was hospitalized twice because I wanted to end my life (I went to the emergency myself, before I could so something). I major trigger for me was school, in particular the shitty math book and physics book we had. Failing to understand and not being able to complete the math/physics problems presented in the workbooks sent me to a very dark place. I hoped that I would come back refreshed after the summer break, but unfortunately, that is not the case. While we started on a new math course this semester, the work book is by the same publisher and authors. And it’s just as triggering now as it was three months ago. The examples are self-explanatory while the actual problems that you are supposed to solve are just too difficult or random, you can never tell where they are going or what it is you are supposed to learn from them. And I just don’t get it. I don’t understand a thing and I’m certainly not learning anything. I’ve already spoken to my teacher about it, and he as ordered other books but at the moment, the only published book for this math course is the one we are using.
I was in a very dark place for most of the day. Well, I’ve been feeling down since I got out of bed but it didn’t get out of hand until I was faced with that horrible book. I used to like math, I was okay at it, but now I just hate it, and it makes me so sad. And to top it of, I had math class twice today. I didn’t have any lunch at school because I didn’t want to talk to anyone. Later, I scratched my had with a needle (needles have somehow become my “weapon of choice”) and I told myself that I will cut myself with a knife what I’m back in my apartment (haven’t done that). It’s like.. I just suddenly find myself some place far, far away (Update: It feels as though I’m retracting within myself and my mind). The outside world (reality) isn’t relevant to me anymore, in fact it’s flat out annoying, like a fly that won’t stop circling round our head. And I am not myself anymore, but this person.. this man who just can’t be bothered. By anyone or anything. Often when people try talking to me, I don’t even answer, because I simply don’t care. Nothing matters at all. It’s a dark place, and I feel hard as a stone (if that makes any sense?), there is no compassion or empathy. It kinda makes me think about Rorschach, from Watchmen. At one point he says “The world will look up and shout ‘Save us!’ and I will look down and whisper ‘no’ “. It’s a fitting description to this person I become (A new alter to discover?).
I’m quite disappointed as well. Yesterday, I made up my mind to talk to my mentor about the problems I’m experiencing, and not really stand up for myself. Needless to say, that didn’t happen. I just couldn’t find it in me today. Hopefully tomorrow. As I mentioned before, I had promised my boyfriend that I wouldn’t harm myself, and today I failed him. One part of me wants him to forgive me, but then there is this others voice hoping he won’t, because I’m not sure I deserve it.