My medication is starting to kick in, I can barely keep my eyes open, so I apologize if there are any misspellings or if it’s simply a bad text.
I’m back at my boarding school now, just finished unpacking. First day on my last year at school tomorrow… I’m a little bit nervous. Since I’m going back to school, I won’t be able to post as much but I’ll try to publish at least one post every day.
My friend stayed at my place for a few days. We went to a festival that is currently taking place in my home town. We ate some nice food, bought cute hats (Mine looks like a frog!) and rode some carousels, it was so much fun! I’ve been meaning to try one of the rides for years now (it’s an annual festival and I haven’t seen that particular ride anywhere else) but it’s either been too expensive or I’ve had no one to ride with me.. We had a great time!
I visited my psychologist today (the other one, not the one I’ve talked about before) and we talked about me moving in with my boyfriend and about the info I’ve gathered about my alters so far. Now, my psychologist recommended me to not name my alters because that might cause my strengthen the barriers between them and me, which would not be helpful. However, I did feel a need to name at least Wynn, so when I found a name that fitted, I began using it. Naturally, she (my psychologist) was a little worried when I told her about my newly discovered alter and that she as a name. She asked me why I feel the need to categorize. And I guess it’s because my experiences become more substantial, which gives me a (false?) sense of control. Being able to point out what thoughts/feelings/actions belong to who is a huge relief to me. Also, I guess we aspies do love to categorize and distinct lines between things.
Another thing I realized is that the “me”- part is much more abstract to me than the other parts. I feel as though it is there somewhere int he back of my head, observing and possibly, but not interfering. It’s still so very vague. Maybe it’s because there haven’t been much room for it develop or come forward.. My psychologist got pretty excited about me starting to discover the “me”-part. Right now I’m just confused.
We also discussed the goal for my therapy. Integration terrifies me to the point where I find myself at the bottom of the deepest, blackest hole from one instant to another (integration is when the host and the alters become one person, or when a large number of alters become condensed into a more manageable number. This is often the recommended treatment for dissociative identity disorder). My stomach tightens and I just have to dismiss the thought of it to keep from breaking down completely. What I want is to be happy and enjoy life, and as it is now, my alters are getting in the way of that. I want co-operation, not integration. Though, I’m not sure if that is because I truly believe that it’s the best way to go or I’m just too frightened.
What I do know is that I need to go to bed ASAP