What being bipolar is like for me/ what is wrong with me?

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Trigger warning: description of bipolar/depression, mention of self-injury and suicide
Note: I personally have not done all (some, but not all) the things listed below, they were just examples of common behaviors

The worst part about being bipolar is like being psychologically tortured by a sadistic friend. During (hypo)manic episodes, the friend gives you the love and confidence you’ve always dreamed of having. You feel strong, beautiful, important. You are on top of the world, cruising on cloud nine. Unstoppable. Invincible. It gives you the courage to hope and dream but not the brains to understand what’s realistic and what’s flat out insane. So you walk around, thinking that you are God’s gift to mankind. You will change the world, that’s for sure. You will help millions of people, everyone will know and admire you. Of course, you new attitude shows: you say stupid shit and you do stupid shit, and the saddest thing about it is that everyone can see it but you. You buy stuff you don’t need with money you don’t have, you spend hours watching porn or sleeping around, you start drinking too much, taking risks, living on false sense of optimism. You stay up all night writing or painting stuff. You get angry, you get furious, you get violent.  There are times were you take a step back and realize that you’re not yourself. but a second later you’ve forgot all your worries because life is just too wonderful, isn’t it? May God help the person to tell you that there is something wrong with you, that you need help.

Then, all of a sudden, you’re falling. Down, down down. It’s like you’re stuck in an empty movie theater, watching yourself and all the dumb shit you’ve done during your (hypo)manic episode. You can’t believe it, how could you have been so stupid?  It’s worse than all horror movies combined. You’re so ashamed, you can barely stand it. You feel guilty, depressed, worthless, like a burden. That evil, sadistic friend tricked you into doing all those things and make a fool out of yourself. Now, that friend has run off laughing, leaving you to clean up the mess and take the blame. You tell yourself that next time, you will see through it. You will learn, you will outsmart it, and never end up here again. But you don’t. You will fall for it every. single. time. It’s so painful, so unspeakably painful. It makes me so unbelievably sad to know that this will never go away. It might get better, but it will never go away. I’m stuck with this bullshit friend who will trick me over and over, and there is nothing I can do about it. Except that friend is a chemical imbalance in your brain. I’m exhausted from fighting it and utterly tired of ending up here, time and time again. What’s wrong with me? Why do I keep getting so depressed? Why do I keep wanting to hurt myself, to end my life? Sure, it’s all part of the disorder, but really.. what the fuck is wrong with me? I just want to feel better, I want to stop making my boyfriend worry about me. I just want to be able to go just one day alone without getting so low.

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