[Trigger warning: eating disorder]
Yes, I’ve been really slacking when it comes to HHC 2014. Well, at bloging about it anyway. I’ve been doing my very best at following blogilates’ beginners work out calender, which has been my goal for the last couple of weeks. I must admit that I did not work out for almost one whole week abut three weeks ago, simply because I was visiting a friend! We did not exercise, but we did eat a lot of sweets and snacks, yay! No, but seriously, we ate a lot of chocolate and what not, but I honestly didn’t feel all that guilty about it as I usually would, so I can’t really see it as a failure. In fact, I’m quite proud of myself for not being so hard on myself!
Anyway, I started where I’d left off with the calender, which means that I’ve now completed the whole calender! Wohoo. I’ll now be moving on to the monthly calender that blogilates also releases.
I’ve been home alone this weekend since my boyfriend is visiting his parents, and I have to say I’ve quite enjoyed it. It’s been sunny (oh my, can I just say that I absolutely love sunshine? Makes me feel so fucking fabulous) and I’ve been working out, discovered my new favorite ice cream flavor (yoghurt and kiwi, holy shit, so delicious… or yoghurt with any fruit really) and making smoothies with the blender I picked up a few days ago. I’m totally obsessed with smoothies right now, can’t for the life of me figure out why I haven’t started earlier.
What else.. hmm.. A few days ago I overate compulsively pretty badly.. Now, I have a problem with leaving food on my plate, or in other words, I have a compulsion to eat up. I had two appointments that day, so I had eat lunch out. First, I had pizza, which I finished very quickly despite it being fairly big. For some obscure reason I had decided beforehand to also go eat a piece of cake at this café that someone had recommended. So, after finishing my lunch, I went looking in some shops to pass the time before I went to the café. Now, I felt my stomach just getting worse and worse since I had eaten way too much way too fast, but for some stupid reason ignored it. I got my piece of cake, it was delicious, and about one third through I got uncomfortably full. Did that stop me? Of course not. My compulsion to eat up actually gets worse when I’ve paid for my food. I ate a few more pieces, and started feeling real sick. At this point it honestly felt like the devil himself sat next to me, forcing me to eat more and more, despite me crying that I can’t take any more.
I finished the cake and felt so, so ill. I then headed to the disastrous doctors appointment which I wrote about yesterday or the day before yesterday or something. He told me that I didn’t have a primary eating disorder because I hadn’t lost weight. God knows I’ve tried, but he didn’t ask about that. The appointment lead to a big mental breakdown, and later that day I broke down while exercising, just crying and hating myself for eating that damn cake, thinking I’m never ever going to become slim and pretty (probably Stranger’s fears, not mine).
But we’re doing better now. I’m even slightly optimistic. Weird, right?
[Trigger warning: suicide, self harm, eating disorder, not being taken seriously by mental health care professional, strong language, anger]
A few days ago we had a doctors appointment. We had been told more than a month ago that it was going to be the re-evaluation for DID that we had requested, but the day before the appointment we were told by someone else that it would probably going to be an assessment for eating disorders, so right from the start we were a bit annoyed by the fact that the people responsible for our treatments have no clue what’s going on. But you know, we tried real hard to stay positive, we had asked for both of these evaluations, so you know, whatever.
However, the appointment turned out to be nothing, just nothing. Except for a waste of our time and a go at reliving trauma. He asked how rational part was doing, asked about our medication. RP (rational part) asked if this was going to be about the DID or eating disorders, it was neither. The doctor wanted to know more about our anxiety, so RP gave a brief answer before moving on to talking about our struggles with eating/exercising/body image. No response. After pushing the doc for answers, he just gave the same bullshit response about how he can’t make evaluations, one has to look at the big picture when treating us, getting a diagnosis wont help because they can’t treat everything at once anyway, bla bla bla bla.
We started receiving treatment for our mental health problems when the body was 11/12 years old, so we’ve met a lot of mental health care professionals in our days and boy have they messed us up. Most of the ones we’ve seen have thought that they know best and they already knew all the answers so what would be the point in listening to what we were actually saying be? Their general attitude has made us relieve our abuse, they have reinforced our trauma and I dare say that we have indeed been mentally/emotionally abused by mental health care professionals, therefore we are extremely sensitive to their bullshit. So sitting there in that assholes office, listening to that same bullshit I’ve heard a million times, it just… There is only so much a person can take, and that doctor just was the straw that broke the camel’s back.
Nemo came out, as he usually does when we are faced with not being believed/listened to, and he doesn’t speak so we were just sitting there silently, staring blankly at nothing. The doctor asked “Are the others talking to you right now?” and all I could think was “No, it’s just that your ignorance leaves me speechless”.
Results of the appointment:
Got prescribed anti-anxiety medication (that we didn’t ask for. I honestly don’t think we need them)
Got a referral to get some blood tests done (again, didn’t ask for that, not sure we need it)
Nemo wanted to die, Stranger debated whether he wants to live or not
Jiyu, Benji, Kathryn and Wynn kind of temporarily disappeared, Wynn re-appeared later that day. RP basically just sat down in a corner, (on the inside) rocking back and forth while mumbling “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry” over and over, being absolutely useless (although I don’t blame them).
The doctor said that we don’t have a primary eating disorder because we haven’t lost weight, so Sinner took that as a challenge and wanted the body to loose weight and he also wanted to hurt the body real bad just to get back at the doctor
Mental breakdown, with crying for hours at two separate occasions that day
Wynn said that there must have been some mistake when she was born, because she thought that she was never supposed to be born later that day
Me being pissed off beyond belief and having to deal with the aftermath.
Had to stay home the next day because of all the chaos inside
Thanks doc. All these years RP has handled appointments with health care professionals of any kind, they’ve been polite and patient, it’s gotten us nowhere. If I had my way we’d never talk to a psychologist or doctor ever again, but RP really needs to have the certainty of a diagnosis to be able to commit to recovery fully. Therefore, we’ve decided that I will be taking care of business, I’ll demand to get our evaluations, and if I have to be a bitch then so fucking be it. For years now we’ve felt like we need to self harm for mental health care professionals to take us seriously, we have honestly felt like they’ve been challenging us to do it, but we’ve resisted. Now we’ve agreed that if we need to hurt the body in order for doctors/psychologists/whatever to believe us, we will. I really hope that it wont be necessary (and I do not encourage anyone to self harm, it is not a cure for anything) but it seems to be the only language they understand.
Other than that, we are going to take a break from everything apart from art therapy and meds, and work on recovering by ourselves. I’m so fucking done with their bullshit, honestly.
We are better now, still shaken up, but better. I feel like this whole thing might has brought us closer as a system. Hopefully we’ll be back on track soon
It’s my unwillingness to do anything about it
“Save yourself – don’t expect to find a partner to ‘save’ you. We have to do the work to save ourselves. As we are often stuck in the past as children, a common hope is for someone to come along and scoop us up to save us since as children we didn’t have the ability to save ourselves. This sets us up for disappointment and failure because no one can save us but ourselves.”
- Got parts? Page 65
God do I hate fucking doctors and psychologist and mental health care and health care in general.
Why do they have to hurt us so bad over and over and over?
For me, as an alter, hanging out with “the body’s” friends/ classmates is sort of awkward. Don’t get me wrong, they are nice and all, I don’t have anything against them, but I just don’t know what to do with them, you know? I try real hard to talk to them and be nice and stuff (and I usually do pretty well, I think) but sometime I just can’t help but sit there all quiet and shit because I’m not sure how to deal with this rather odd situation.
And then again other times it makes me wish that I had friends of my own, out here. I’m not desperate for social interaction or anything, but I have to admit that I do feel a bit lonely sometimes. There is just not that much that makes “the real world” appealing to me. Maybe having my own friends would change that. Maybe it would even help me feel more.. real or human or whatever.
I don’t know, maybe I’m just being silly.