Rambling about stuff

Posted on

Hello everyone, it’s Mimi here.

As you might know, I’ve been watching Avatar: the last airbender (the series, not the movie) these past couple of days, and the day before yesterday I finished it. And ever since I’ve been.. Broken. I know Phemie made a post about how me and Aang are very alike in many ways,  and I agree. He was my favorite character.

Anyway.. I got such a kick out of watching the show, I was so motivated to take charge of my life and change it for the better. I started working out every day, working on fulfilling childhood dreams, started talking to (the body’s) childhood friend and plan on meeting up. I even decided to tell her about us being multiple.. I was so energetic, motivated and most of all, I was happy.. And now the show is over and I’m just a shadow of myself. I’ve been more anxious than in a really long time, I have trouble sleeping, and my stomach has been aching for days. I’ve been crying miserably, over and over again.. I just feel so utterly alone and lost and sad. I truly feel like I lost a dear friend, and I know it’s silly, I know it is.. It was just a show, and a kids’ show at that… But I don’t know.. I guess it was the first time I was able to truly relate to something out here. The truth is that I’ve been struggling with finding things in “real life” to hold on to. It’s so incredibly hard being an alter, most people do not know that you exist or simply deny that you are real. This world is filled with so much suffering and darkness that most of the time I’d rather stay inside, i feel like there is just nothing for me here.

Not to mention that you have obligations to your system, it’s my job to protect the others, but what if I’m not strong enough? What if I break when they need me the most? I’m just a kid.. All I want is to be a normal teenager, hang out with my friends and be.. Normal. But I don’t have any friends out here, and it’s so painful to be so lonely. I don’t want to be alone anymore.

(In the inner world) I grew up in an orphanage after my parents died when I was 5. The orphanage was run by my aunt, and it was very small and familiar. Even before my parents died I spent most of my time at the orphanage, the kids there were my best friends, so living their was a lot of fun. My aunt had always been my favorite relative. She is strict but fair, and she has such a big heart. Me and the other kids would play everyday and generally be up to no good. Now I live with the other alters in a house, and while I do like them, they just don’t feel like family the way my aunt and the other orphans did. I’m just so different from the other system members..

Aang is stuck in an ice berg for 100 years and when he comes back, the world he knew is gone. The other air nomads are gone, his childhood friends are gone. He is 12 years old (technically 112), and it is his job to save the world, but he finds himself a new family and together they travel the world and save it. That’s always been my biggest dream: finding a family, exploring the world and making a difference together. But I really doubt it’s going to happen..
I just feel like, if Aang was real, we would have understood me. Maybe, he and the other characters, could have been my family. I know, I know, they are not real, it’s silly and lame, I’m such a dreamer and I need to get a grip on reality..
I’m just lost..

Update: I just had an appointment with my physical therapist and I told her about all of this. She told me that it’s “my” (the body’s/first alters’) childhood (or rather, lack of it) I’m grieving. I think she is right, and this realization is somehow very comforting..

Today’s outfit and make up

Posted on

image

image

That’s what we look like when I get to choose what to wear and how to do the make up, hope you enjoy! :) sorry about the bad quality though..
/ Mimi

Characters that remind you of your alters

Posted on Updated on

I think it’s kinda cool when you come across a character, in a book or movie or whatever, that reminds you of a system member personality-wise.

I recently started watching avatar, the last airbender and i gotta say, Aang really reminds me of Mimi. Like Aang, Mimi has a very playful approach to challenges and life in general. Now, I don’t mean playful as in not taking things seriously, but rather that she remains optimistic and tries to see the bright side. She has a lot of faith and believes that there is good in everyone, and she is very eager to help others. Sometimes, both Mimi and Aang might even come off as a bit naive.
Just like Aang, Mimi is very spiritual and has a deep connection with nature and animals. However, below the surface, they both fear and doubt that they are not strong enough to face what is to come (for Aang, that would be saving the world and for Mimi, it is the challenge of being an alter and protecting the system). I wouldn’t say that Aang resembles Mimi perfectly, but the ways in which he does are very striking.

I’ve also started watching an anime called Steins;gate (an awesome anime btw) and it features a character that reminds me so much of Wynn that it’s almost scary. The character is called Mayuri and she is just the sweetest girl. She is very childlike, to a point where is comes off as a little dumb. However, as the series progresses, we learn that, while she isn’t very cunning, she is very perceptive and unbelievably caring. Just like Mayuri, Wynn is so loving, kind and innocent that she can seem a little slow, but in reality she is very perceptive and does understand more than she gives away. Both of them seem so carefree most of the time, but they do have their worries, they just don’t really show it. Also, they both like cosplaying and kawaii stuff.
They might not be good at math or whatever, but they are good with people. They see with the heart, not the mind and I think that is what makes them so precious.

Realizing this has made me wonder what characters us other alters are alike, and i gotta say that I’m not sure yet. Have you come across characters that remind you of your alters? Which ones and why do they remind you of your system members?

Optimism

Posted on

To me, optimism is not about believing that there won’t be any complications, but rather being sure that you will overcome them.

/Mimi

I need a girl..

Posted on

Who can remind me that there is good in the world

/Phemie

Does this happen to you

Posted on Updated on

It’s hard to describe.. Sometimes, someone will be out and doing their thing while making plans for the day, they will suddenly hold their breath for a moment and when they exhale, it’s like they just shrink into nothing. Like, one second they are themselves and then suddenly so much insecurity and exhaustion washes over them (? The system? I don’t know) and it’s like.. I don’t even know what happens, they just start questioning everything and themselves and all the plans for them day suddenly seem unappealing, they just want to hide somewhere.

I don’t know, maybe it’s just dissociation, or a switch or.. I don’t know, i just don’t know..

Big announcement!

Posted on Updated on

Basically this whole year we have been working towards fulfilling a dream we’ve had since we were kids (those of us who were around back then, anyway): visiting Japan.

And now, our dream is about to come true! In fact, we will be staying at a host fanily from october to january while studying Japanese at a school! We will be living in Fukuoka, but hopefully we’ll visit many different cities in both Japan and possibly China and Korea.

Needless to say, we are all very excited! Basically everyone of us really want to do this, so it has been the main motivator for us all to work on our issues, both individually and as a system. Naturally, it’ll be a huge challenge for all of us but I’m sure we can do this!

I still have a hard time believing it, considering where we’ve been.. A few years ago, just the thought of leaving our room could make us cry and panic, using public transportation would lead to so much anxiety.. We had no proper diagnosis despite having spent years and years as a patient at a mental health clinic. No one understood, no one saw what was going on.
There was a time when Nemo would come out almost every night and cry so hard he could barely breathe. Or he would get triggered out and be so anxious he couldn’t move for hours by someone simply raising their voice. We have had saboteur alters hurting us and before that years of confusion and doubt and depression. Not the mention all the abuse..
Last year we were in hospital three times because of mental health issues..

It’s been a long time coming, and we have all worked so hard to get to this point.. And here we are, about to go on the adventure of our lives, and I feel.. Ready. I think we are ready :)

Hope you are all doing great!
/ Mimi and RP